Laser Squid Nemesis

Where Many Have Gone Before - Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986)

2009-04-17T20:20:00.008-06:00

Whee, I'm back!

With The Search for Spock, the Star Trek films seemed to have hit a stride, at least at the box office. Star Trek IV was almost immediately green lit by Paramount with Leonard Nimoy returning to direct. This time, however, Nimoy was given complete freedom to make the kind of movie he wanted and was not given a mandate by the studio as to what the story had to be. Harve Bennett returned as producer and co-wrote the screenplay with Nicholas Meyer, returning to the series after directing The Wrath of Khan. Nimoy wanted to create a lighter, more fun adventure movie where no one would be killed to give the film a greater family appeal. He also wanted to make a time travel story that involved the threat of extinction faced by whales. Combining all those ideas, Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home was released on November 26, 1986.

I'll give my own quick recap of the plot: Exiled on Vulcan after the events of Star Trek III, Kirk and crew decide to return to Earth to face violations of Starfleet regulations. On their way back, they intercept a transmission from Starfleet warning everyone to stay away from Earth, as a mysterious space dil- uh, probe with a disco ball has entered Earth space and is interfering with electrical systems, among other bad things. Deciphering the message sent by the probe as humpback whale song, Kirk and crew decide to slingshot around the Sun to travel in time and retrieve some humpback whales, which are extinct by the 23rd century. The result of this ridiculousness is that the Enterprise crew is back in the 20th century and the "fish out of water" part of the story begins. Ultimately, the crew recovers the whales, along with a marine biologist who has the hots for Kirk. The whales are able to communicate with the probe and send it on its way. Getting a slap on the wrist for their charges in light of saving Earth again, the Enterprise crew is rewarded with a new starship Enterprise, NCC-1701-A.

Most people, especially those who aren't familiar with Star Trek, refer to this film as "the funny one" or "the one with the whales". Both nicknames give a pretty complete description of the film. It's the funny one with whales. It has a very different tone from the previous movies, especially given the fact that no one dies on screen. The story is pretty dumb and is just a ploy to get the Enterprise crew to 1986 for lots of jokes. Fortunately, the humor carries the film pretty well. There are lots of memorable lines, such as "No, I'm from Iowa. I only work in outer space," "where can we find the nuclear wessels," and so on. Then there are the great situations like the Scotty trying to use a Macintosh, Spock's terrible use of "colorful metaphors" (though Kirk isn't much more successful at them). Unfortunately, the same jokes get old with repeated viewings, and without a strong plot to carry it, not to mention almost no action or real drama, this film isn't one that lends itself to being watched frequently.

One of the best things about this movie from my perspective is that it gives the rest of the Enterprise crew more screen time, so the entire show isn't just about Kirk, Spock and McCoy. Everyone gets plenty of laughs. The only one who really gets screwed is Robin Curtis as Lt. Saavik. For no real reason, she's left behind on Vulcan, even though she is also a Starfleet officer and should probably give testimony at the trial. I know there's some apocryphal story that she's pregnant with Spock's kid, but that's not confirmed in the movie and it seems like the writers just wanted her out of the way. I suppose there was no room for two Vulcans on 20th century Earth? Actually, now that I watch the film again, Sulu seems to get the least screen time of the primary Enterprise crew, like always. Just hang in there Sulu, you'll get your command soon.

As far as special effects go, they're pretty low-key in this film. The only real standout is the very bizarre, early CGI sequence when the Klingon ship travels through time. Otherwise, the model work is pretty basic, but since there are no space battles, the models don't get used much. The music by Leonard Rosenman is fun and adventurous for what it is. There actually isn't as much music played throughout this film as in the others of the series.

Well, that's about all there is to say about this one. It's funny, and that works for the most part, but the plot is silly (not to mention the probe is just a rehash of V'ger), there's no real action, and the environmental message is pretty heavy-handed. 3 nuclear wessels out of 5.

Where Many Have Gone Before - Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984)

2009-04-11T21:38:00.010-06:00

Within weeks of the release of The Wrath of Khan, the green light was given for the next Star Trek film. Returning as producer and head writer was Harve Bennett. Leonard Nimoy agreed to appear in the new film on the condition he was allowed to direct it. This made some at the studio a little nervous, given Nimoy's previous directing experience was limited to a couple episodes of television shows, including an episode of William Shatner's police drama, T.J. Hooker. Working with the lingering story threads from The Wrath of Khan, The Search for Spock would chronicle, well, the search for Spock, after his body had been left on the Genesis planet. This makes the film part of the unofficial Star Trek trilogy (Star Treks II-IV), the only group of series films to have connected stories.

This is the Star Trek film I watched the most when I was little. The Motion Picture was way too boring (and I don't think we had it on video), Wrath of Khan freaked me out with the Ceti Eels, and even at a young age, I thought the "save the whales" sub-plot of The Voyage Home was kind of dumb. For some strange reason, my favorite scene in the whole movie was when the Enterprise was destroyed. I got to reenact this scene in those Commodore 64 we had, and to be honest, it was just about all I did in those games. I also reenacted the scene in real life by breaking the plastic engine nacelles off my big brother's die-cast metal Enterprise toy (sorry, Ben!), even though the engines never come off the ship when the Enterprise explodes in the film.

Ha ha ha ha, kaboom!

Need a refresher on the story of the film (what little there is)? Here you go.

Even more than Wrath of Khan, The Search for Spock feels like an extended episode of the television show, but that's not really a bad thing considering we've already seen what happens when they try to make a "real" film out of Star Trek. There isn't a whole lot to the plot of the film, but it does move at a pretty good pace until the end. This movie has one of the longest post-climax denouements I've ever seen in an action film, though that's out of necessity. It's not like Kirk could have fought the Klingons on Vulcan while Spock was being restored.

There's also one big oopsie in the plot. If it's Vulcan tradition that dead bodies be brought back to Vulcan, why didn't Saavik mention this before Kirk went ahead and shot his friend's corpse at the Genesis planet? I guess the half-Romulan excuse could come up again, but she knew enough about Vulcan tradition/physiology to "help" the reborn Spock with Pon'far (bow chicka wow wow!).

Unfortunately, there's one major element of Star Trek missing from The Search for Spock that was unavoidable given the circumstances of the story: the friendly banter between Kirk, Spock and McCoy. It's kind of weird though, because the film itself is really about their friendship and how far these guys will go to help each other. This does give the other members of the bridge crew more time onscreen, though. Even Sulu gets to say more than, "course laid in, Captain."

Non-Enterprise characters also get a good chuck of screen time. Christopher Lloyd, I think, isn't taken very seriously as the Klingon, Kruge, as most people remember him as Doc Brown from Back to the Future. I think he did a good job in this film, though. He doesn't try to be funny or manic in this film, and it's always cool to me to see comedians successfully do drama (re: Jim Carrey in The Truman Show). Robin Curtis replaces Kirstie Alley as Lt. Saavik, and I think it was a good choice. Curtis does a much better job at not showing emotion than Alley did. Merritt Butrick returns as David Marcus, but his character is less sympathetic in this film. It's revealed that he used unstable "proto-matter" when constructing the Genesis torpedo, and that the Genesis project is a failure. Watching the movie again, I can't help but feel that the filmmakers did this to help justify his death in some way. It's like they couldn't just let it be tragic that he died on the planet he created, they thought he deserved it. Maybe I'm reading too much into that.

While there's less swashbuckling in this film than in Wrath of Khan, the ship combat feels more like what would be seen in an episode of the show, where tactics and technical failures decide the victor rather than two ships just pounding the crap out of each other. There are even more ships and space scenes in this film with the introduction of the Klingon "Bird of Prey" (which was originally supposed to be a stolen Romulan ship, but that was dropped), the USS Grissom (with its bridge chairs covered in pink fabric, an unfortunate choice), and the badass USS Excelsior (which unfortunately doesn't have much a role except for comic relief). The model work in this movie is still excellent, and I didn't notice any bleed-through of the star field through the models that happened in Wrath of Khan.

The ethics of the Genesis project are brought up again, but from a slightly different perspective. It's shown that the non-Federation species are freaking out at the prospect of the Federation having the ultimate doomsday weapon. It makes the Klingon's motivation for wanting to make the Genesis device themselves a little less evil, as they really just want to level the playing field. There is a brief instant of, "hey, maybe the Federation are in the wrong here- oh, the Klingons just blew up the Grissom. Nevermind."

Overall, this is a good film and definitely the best of the odd-numbered Star Trek films. It's focus is on the friendship between Kirk, Spock and McCoy, even though the three don't interact during the film. It has some decent action (the space fights are brief but fun, though the fight between Kirk and Kruge gets sillier the more I see it) with a good dash of humor. The ethical and political ideas brought up are in line with those brought up in the television show. It hasn't aged quite as well as Wrath of Khan, but it's far from the worst Star Trek film. 3 katras out of 5.

What's Old Is New Again: The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951 vs. 2008)

2009-04-08T22:31:00.010-06:00

What possesses Hollywood producers to remake classic films? Is it a desire to re-imagine a story for a new generation, to modernize a story and create new fans of the old movie? Or is it simply a way to cash in on the popularity of an old movie and save time on writing? Unfortunately, I think it's much more often the latter than the former.

The original The Day the Earth Stood Still was released in 1951 and remains one of my favorite classic science fiction movies. The story tells of a man who descends from the heavens, delivers a warning to humanity of their condemnation if they continue in their ways, gets killed for his trouble, is resurrected, and returns to the heavens after delivering his message. Remind you of anyone? Yes, the movie is essentially a science fiction allegory for the story of Christ. To his credit, though, Klaatu gets shot twice. Also, the MPAA, nervous about audience reaction, inserted a couple lines of dialogue where Klaatu denies being all-powerful, stating that the power over life and death, "is reserved to the Almighty Spirit."

"You guys suck! What is it, Shoot the Alien Day?!"

The original movie has all the elements of a science fiction classic: a story that uses science to speak about the nature of man and how we can be better (basically an anti-war message), spooky music (excellently composed by Bernard Herrmann), simple, but effective special effects and a robot that can destroy anything. The acting is typical for the 50's, but it's not bad. It's funny to think how trusting the people are, as Helen lets a total stranger like Mr. Carpenter (Klaatu) watch after her son alone. More than anything else, the movie is ultimately remembered for the line, "Klaatu barada nikto!" It's a good movie, and I highly recommend it.

"Know your roles, Jabronis! Gort is here to deliver the Word of PAIN!!!"

This brings us to the 2008 remake, which I like to call The Day Keanu Reeves Almost Killed Humanity Because You Have to Drive a Fucking SUV. The story is essentially the same as the original movie, with a few tweaks to make Klaatu less friendly toward humanity. He comes to Earth already intent on wiping us out, and it's up to Jennifer Connelly and Jaden Smith to convince him humans are ok. The major change in motivation is that Klaatu now wants to wipe out humanity for damaging Earth, which he claims must be preserved as it is one of the only planets that can sustain complex life. In the end, humanity is spared, though at the cost of all electrical devices being rendered useless. Klaatu has to create a massive electromagnetic pulse to deactivate a nanite cloud that's eating through all the people and their creations, you see.

"Woah."

Before going on, I need to address the global warming aspect of the film. I think this polarized a lot of people's opinion of the movie, and could have been handled in a way that didn't alienate so many potential viewers. In the original movie, Klaatu couldn't care less what people did to each other or our planet (and yes, he refers to it as "your planet" numerous times). His concern was that humanity's desire to wage war would reach the stars and threaten other planets. Being made during the Cold War, there's a clear anti-war message. In the remake, there are only a few lines given by Klaatu that clearly describe his motivation (along with the couple lines where Klaatu states that Earth is not "your planet"), and if they had been slightly changed or removed, it would have made Klaatu's beef with humanity a lot more ambiguous. This would have allowed the audience to make up their own minds as to why Klaatu wanted to get rid of humans. It still could have been seen as an anti-war message, instead of hopping on the current headlines. When Klaatu wants to meet the smartest man on Earth, I was surprised Jennifer Connelly didn't try to take him to Al Gore.

"Woah."

Anyway, this movie sucks, global warming guilt notwithstanding. It thinks very highly of itself, like the filmmakers made the movie expecting it to be revered as an instant classic. There are lots of slow-motion shots done to make scenes feel more important and epic, but they just make the movie seem pretentious, and I half-expected all the shots that end with the camera zooming in on Keanu Reeves to end with him saying, "woah." The pacing of the movie is really slow compared to the original, adding more to the pretentious feeling. The acting is ok for the most part, except Jaden Smith. Following in the great tradition of child actors like the kid from Phantom Menace, young Mr. Smith really needs some acting lessons. Badly.

"Woah. Oh, by the way, I'm going to kill you all."

However, there are two problems with the movie that really bothered me. First, the ending is rushed and doesn't make sense in light of Klaatu's mission. With no electrity, millions, if not billions of people will still die. Also, people will have to go back to simpler sources of energy, burning wood and coal. I fail to see how this is supposed to be better for the environment. The other problem is that the line, "Klaatu barada nikto" is never used in this remake! That's just stupid. They should have had Klaatu yell it when he activated the EMP.

There actually are some positive bits in this film. Keanu Reeves, being a wooden and emotionless actor, does a good job portraying a wooden and emotionless alien. I like how they show a little more of Klaatu's control over machines and his magic healing goop as nods to the original. The special effects are pretty good, especially Gort as the nanite cloud. They also use the famous Wilhelm scream when one of the soldiers is killed. Yep, that's about it.

As a standalone film, the remake is pretty sub-par. It thinks too highly of itself, and suddenly ends without any real resolution or look at the consequences of Klaatu's actions. As a remake of the original film, it's just out-and-out bad, adding controversy for the wrong reasons, but adding nothing good that wasn't already in the original. And again, they didn't use the line! What the hell? 1 Honda Civic Hybrid (available at your local Honda dealer!) out of 5.

Where Many Have Gone Before - Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)

2009-04-04T15:12:00.005-06:00

When The Motion Picture (TMP) wasn't as critically well received as Paramount hoped, Gene Roddenberry was taken out of the producer role, but was kept as an "executive consultant". This meant the filmmakers asked him occasional questions about how something should be done in the Star Trek universe, but if they did something he didn't agree with, they just ignored him. New producer Harve Bennett was brought in to create a better (and cheaper) sequel to TMP. Having never seen Star Trek, Bennett watched every episode of the original series and decided that Khan, the villain from the series episode Space Seed, should be brought back for the next film. Also brought fresh into the Star Trek universe was director Nicholas Meyer, who had never seen Star Trek nor directed science fiction. Meyer decided to treat the film more like a naval adventure in the vein of Horatio Hornblower to make it seem more familiar to him. Made on a budget of $11 million (versus $35 million for TMP), Star Trek II went on to great critical and financial success, making seven times its budget in US ticket sales alone, cementing Star Trek as a franchise to be exploited (I mean, milked, er, wait...) for years to come.

In all honesty, I didn't like this movie much when I was a kid. I watched Star Trek III way more often. It was the mind-control bug things. They just creeped the hell out of me. I still won't watch the part where Khan puts the bugs in the guys' ears to this day, just like I won't watch the scene at the beginning of Robocop where Peter Weller gets shot to shit. Plus, I hated watching Spock die. I didn't like the part in III where David died either, but this was Spock, man! Anyway, as the years have gone on, I've come to appreciate the movie more and more until today, when it's easily my favorite of the Star Trek films.

Agh! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Get it away! AAAGGGHH!!!!!!

Again, I'm too lazy to write a whole synopsis for the film, so here's the story.

Now this is more like it. Star Trek feels like Star Trek again, with a bunch of naval combat thrown in for good measure. Rather than special effects and high-minded science fiction ideas, Star Trek II is about the characters of the Enterprise, especially Kirk, Spock and McCoy, and their friendship. It's also about growing older and facing death, which is hard for all the characters, especially Kirk (and for William Shatner himself, who at first wanted to wear make-up to look younger). It also has a great villain in Khan, played by Ricardo Montalbon, who was written into the movie long before anybody bothered to ask him if he could take a break from recording Fantasy Island.

For the last time, yes, that's his real chest. Ricardo is just that much of a man! RIP, good sir.

What works best for me about this movie is how the characters are brought back to the forefront and definitely operate more like they did in the TV show. Kirk is an arrogant bastard all the way until Spock's death. Spock is still great, but he seems more like part of the crew, where in TMP, it was like the other characters worshiped him. McCoy is probably improved the best since TMP. In TMP, he was just a resentful guy who almost seemed to hate Kirk. In Wrath of Khan, he's back to being Kirk's friend. The rest of the bridge crew also gets more screen time and lines, except for poor Mr. Sulu. He still only gets a few lines, but he'll have the last laugh as Nicholas Meyer makes him the Captain of the Excelsior in Star Trek VI.

That's right, Sulu, you sip that tea. You've earned it.

New to the crew is Lt. Saavik, a Vulcan played by Kirstie Alley. She's a bit strange for a Vulcan. She noticeably becomes agitated during the Kobayashi Maru test and later cries during Spock's funeral. I've read that she's supposed to be half-Romulan, explaining her trouble with suppressing emotion. That's fine, but when did a Vulcan and Romulan knock boots? I thought the two species didn't get along so well. Also new are Dr's. Carol and David Marcus, David being Kirk and Carol's son. Neither one of them is essential to the plot, but they do help Kirk recapture the feeling of youth and starting over at the end of the film.

The other great improvements of Wrath of Khan over TMP are the better pace and the fact that there's finally some damn action going on. People get shot with phasers, ships shoot at each other to pieces and there's an explosion that later collapses, forming a star system(!). Also, there's some dramatic weight with Spock's death. While I couldn't have given two shits about Lt. Ilia or Cmdr. Decker in TMP, Spock is a beloved character, and his death had meaning, again especially for Kirk. Yes, I still get misty eyed at the end when Kirk collapses onto the floor with Spock dead on the other side of the Plexiglas wall.

"No, Spock, I don't want to play one last game of Paddycake."

Speaking of Spock's death, Nicholas Meyer intended to not give any hope for Spock's return. The movie originally ended with Spock's coffin-torpedo being shot into orbit around the Genesis planet. Fade to black and credits. As you can imagine, this didn't go well with test audiences. Harve Bennett decided to go back and add the last shot of the torpedo on the planet along with Spock doing the "Space, the final frontier..." speech at the end of the film. Even before this, though, Leonard Nimoy, who only agreed to be in this movie on the agreement that Spock would die, started regretting this decision and worked with Bennett to include a couple of bits to give fans hope, one being the mind-meld with McCoy where Spock simply says, "remember" as well as Kirk, after Spock's funeral, stating Spock's often used line from the series, "there are always possibilities." This edited ending went over much better with audiences, and I have to say I agree. The original Star Trek crew just wouldn't be the same without Spock.

Another element that was different from the TV series and TMP was the costume designs and military attitude of the Enterprise crew. Gene Roddenberry was totally opposed to these, as he didn't want to militarize Star Trek, but I have to side with the filmmakers. I think it was always confusing as to what the Enterprise's function was in the original series. I know they were exploring the galaxy, but why exactly? If you understand them in a military context, they're searching for and neutralizing threats before those things can become threats to Earth. They even used military ranks in the original series. I think it's just the next logical step to put the crew in military uniforms. At least they look way better than the pajamas worn in TMP. "We're going to explore the galaxy now! Everyone put on your 'jammies!"

My earlier comment about the movie not being about special effects was not meant to say the special effects are bad in this movie. Far from it, the combat scenes between the Enterprise and Reliant are still awesome to watch, even today. I desperately wish they'd go back to using models in science fiction movies, rather than crapping CGI all over the screen. The one goof I was able to pick out with the models was how sometimes the composite shots weren't done quite right, so you can see the stars through the ships. This doesn't happen all the time, but I did notice it once or twice.

Negatives? I suppose there are a couple I can think of, but they're total nit-picks. The first is hitting viewers over the head with the Moby Dick references in Khan's mad desire for revenge on Kirk, especially how Khan quotes the book a lot. They even show a copy of Moby Dick on a shelf in the Botany Bay. We get it! Also, the shield prefix code deal seems kinda silly. I think they wrote themselves into a corner and were just trying to think of some way Kirk could get a chance to fire back after the Enterprise got seriously f-ed up.

And I mean seriously f-ed up!

There are a couple negatives other people point out where I defend the movie, though. One being why Scotty brings his nephew to the bridge instead of sickbay. Why? It's for dramatic effect! The other one people point out is how Kirk and Khan are never in the same room, starship, or even on the same planet during the movie. As we see in the beginning of the movie, Khan can lift Chekov one-handed and easily took over the Reliant. If Khan had gotten on the Enterprise, that would be it. Kirk would be completely fucked (maybe even literally in the ear by a mind-control worm. Hi-O!) The only way Kirk could win was through tactics. As Kirk himself says in the Director's Cut of the movie, "we're only alive because I knew something about these starships that he didn't."

As you can see from my gushing, I love this movie. I only wish the other movies in the series were this good. First Contact makes a good effort, but I'll get to that in its own time. What else is there to say? Five Genesis torpedoes out of five.

Where Many Have Gone Before - Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)

2009-03-29T20:20:00.007-06:00

Following the abrupt cancellation of Star Trek: The Animated Series in 1974, the Star Trek franchise sat in the cooler while Paramout Pictures tried to figure out what to do with it. The original television series became a hit in syndication during the 70's, so it was eventually decided to create another TV series as a flagship program for the launch of Paramount's own television network. Star Trek: Phase II was to chronicle the next five-year mission of the U.S.S. Enterprise under the command of James T. Kirk. All the original cast were to return, except for Leonard Nimoy, who no longer wanted to be associated with Star Trek. Several scripts were written for the new show, but when Star Wars became a phenomenon in 1977, Paramount executives decided to adapt the story for Star Trek: Phase II's first episode, In Thy Image, into a feature film. Released in 1979, Star Trek: The Motion Picture was a financial success, if not exactly a critical one. Nonetheless, the movie made enough money for Paramount to finance further movies and television series, turning newer generations into the big ole' nerds we are today.

The first time I remember watching Star Trek: The Motion Picture was at my godparents' house when I was little. All I really remember was thinking how boring the movie was, except for the wormhole sequence, which struck me as unintentionally funny. Chekov saying "toooorrrpeeedoooooeees aaawwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay" in super slo-mo still makes me laugh to this day. I've caught the movie a couple times over the years on TV with additional footage (I'll get to that later), and I have seen the director's cut once already, but I needed a refresher for this article.

If you want a plot "summary" (or rather, read entire the story in excruciating detail), here you go.

Just to nit-pick, there are some funny things going on just to convenience the plot. The most obvious one is that the Enterprise, a ship currently undergoing massive alterations, is the only Federation ship within range of Earth that can intercept V'ger. That's awfully stupid of the Federation to only leave one disabled ship hanging around their most important star system. It's like having a sign saying, "C'mon in, Klingons and Romulans! The door's open!" The other bit of silliness is with V'ger's name. It calls itself V'ger because it got space dust or something over its nameplate, blocking out the "oya" in "Voyager". How did the probe learn English, and why didn't the machine race clean up Voyager before building the huge ship around it?

The biggest problem with this movie is that it's too slow, earning the film the nickname, The Slow-Motion Picture. The pacing problem is systemic of taking a plot that's meant for a 42-minute television show and stretching it over two hours. Padding the script with reaction shots instead of meaningful character interaction doesn't make the film go any faster. The fact that the character interaction is limited leads to my second problem with the movie, which is that the film doesn't really feel like Star Trek to me. Given that new characters were introduced to the crew and that it wasn't known until the last minute if Leonard Nimoy would be in the film, it feels like the Enterprise crew could have been exchanged with anyone else, and it wouldn't have affected the movie much. Kirk doesn't have the same swagger he did in the show. McCoy is more hostile than bitter. The rest of the bridge crew is relegated to extended cameos. I would be willing to bet that when Alan Dean Foster originally wrote In Thy Image, it wasn't a Star Trek story.

Damn it, Sulu, you need to react harder! We've got another hour of stuff to look at!

This film wants to be 2001: A Space Odyssey in the worst way. It opens with music played against a (mostly empty) screen. It moves along at a snail's pace. It even ends with a human evolving into a higher state of existence. All that are missing are some pointy-eared apes beating each other with animal bones on ancient Vulcan. It's just too bad Star Trek isn't really about high-minded science fiction. What the TV show did well was preaching racial and political tolerance and occasionally having a monster that just needed its ass kicked. Asking about the meaning of life and presenting allegories of man's search for God, not so much.

It's not all bad, though. The story itself is pretty good outside the context of Star Trek, even if it doesn't "challenge my intellect" like the trailer promises it will. Artificial intelligence is a mainstay of science fiction stories. I like the idea that facts and logic are not enough for any sentient being, and that love and faith (either in a literal god or something else) are needed. I don't subscribe to the idea that enough knowledge will eventually make a machine sentient, though. We have databases at my job that would have become self-aware (and probably suicidal) long ago, if that were true. The special effects are well done too, especially the newly integrated CCI effects for the Director's Cut. They make the picture feel more grand than it is. Even though not much is happening, it feels like not much is happening on an epic scale. Plus, the Enterprise is still the coolest looking, if not the best designed, spaceship ever. Why do they expose the command center and propulsion system?

Among nerdier detractors, The Motion Picture has earned another nickname, Where Nomad Has Gone Before. These folks claim that the plot of the film is a retread of the original series episode, The Changeling. Having just watched The Changeling, I can definitely see the parallels between the two. Both the TV episode and the movie revolve around the idea of an Earth probe, launched during the NASA era of space exploration, returning to Earth with seemingly malicious intentions, especially toward organic (imperfect) life. So yeah, they're pretty similar, but there are also some key differences between the two. In The Changeling, Nomad's origin and its mis-identification of Kirk as its creator are revealed early in the story. In The Motion Picture, V'ger's true identity isn't revealed until the very end. Also, while Nomad was simply a "villain of the week" for Kirk to defeat (with logic of all things), V'ger was a being returning to its creator in search of a new purpose in life.

Much like the movie itself, this is getting long and boring. This film definitely fits the pattern of odd-numbered Trek movies not being very good. Rating: 2.5 wormholes out of 5. I'll just close this out by mentioning the redesigned Klingons. I'm not sure why they felt the need to change them from their appearance in the TV show, but watching the movie again, I can't help but notice how the Klingons look like the Wolf-man with male-pattern baldness.

Wolf-man: were-wolf or were-klingon?

Albums of '08 - Miniviews (Part 2)

2009-03-27T19:08:00.003-06:00

Here's part 2!

Ice Cube: Raw Footage - I know, I know. Ice Cube? Yeah, I can't really explain why I got this, but he was in NWA! Cube's rhymes are fine, but there's something about most modern rap beats that doesn't appeal to me. It sounds overproduced or something. I like the simpler beats of Grandmaster Flash or Run-DMC. So yeah, not that great.

Favorite Songs:

Hood Mentality
Jack N the Box

Joe Satriani: Professor Satchafunkilus and the Musterion of Rock - Not that the title gives it away or anything, but this album catches Joe in one of his "weird" stages. Therefore, I don't like this one as much as his more straightforward albums like Crystal Planet or Supercolossal. Still, it's Joe Satriani, so at least the guitar parts are technically really good.

Favorite Songs:

Overdriver
I Just Wanna Rock

John Hiatt: Same Old Man - Now here's some good acoustic, country-flavored music. Over his career, John Hiatt has slowly moved from a very 70's sound (he was called the American Elvis Costello at one point) to a more folk-blues sound. If you're hoping to find anything like his old material, or any prominent electric guitars at all, this isn't what you want. This is really good music for driving or waiting out a slow afternoon, though. John still has his very unique voice, and damn if these are some honest love songs.

Favorite Songs:

On with You
Cherry Red
Same Old Man

Judas Priest: Nostradamus - Wow. I knew this was going to be over-the-top and cheesy, but I wasn't prepared for this. It was fun for a few decades, guys, but maybe it's time to call it a day. Good to know Rob Halford can still hit those testicle-exploding notes, though.

Favorite Songs: I can't think of a single one that doesn't make me laugh for the wrong reasons.

The Killers: Day & Age - This album is in strong competition with M83's Saturdays = Youth for the most 80's sounding album of 2008, and that's why I love it. Don't get me wrong, I still really enjoy Sam's Town, but it's cool to hear The Killers go back to a sound that's heavier on the synthesizers. There's a Latin sound that pops up from time to time as well, which is pretty cool.

Favorite Songs:

Human
Spaceman
I Can't Stay

Linkin Park: Road to Revolution: Live at Milton Keynes - As Linkin Park is one of my guilty pleasure bands, it's good to have a live album with most of the good songs from their first two albums. Jay-Z also makes an appearance for a couple mash-ups at the end of the show, which was a nice surprise.

Favorite Songs:

One Step Closer
Breaking the Habit
Jigga What/Faint

M83: Saturdays = Youth - Coming from France, this is the other contender for the most 80's sounding album of 2008. Seriously, if I didn't know better, I'd swear this was the soundtrack to some seminal teen 80's movie. As it is, it's really good, except for the track Midnight Souls Still Remain, which is eleven minutes of two notes slowly repeating. Can we say filler?

Favorite Songs:

Kim & Jessie
Skin of the Night
Graveyard Girl

Metallica: Death Magnetic - All I can say is, it's about damn time. It's been almost 20 years since the last good Metallica album, and they mostly delivered. The only problem is this album is the latest victim of the "loudness war", where the tracks are mixed so loudly (except the bass, of course), that the sound clips and gets distorted. I read a Guitar Player interview where James Hetfield acknowledged this was intentional. Reading that made me think of the scene from Metalocalypse where the producer is yelling at the band, "you guys are fucking deaf, you know that?! Can you hear me?!" But hey, they jettisoned Bob Rock (unfortunately, not into the heart of the Sun) and are playing thrash metal with solos again!

Favorite Songs:

That Was Just Your Life
All Nightmare Long
My Apocalypse

Murder by Death: Red of Tooth and Claw - This an interesting band. They almost sound like they walked out of the Old West carrying electric guitars... and a cello. The album itself is a tale of brutal people living brutal lives in a lawless time. It's better than I make it sound. In fact, until Black Ice and Stay Positive came around, this was a lock as my favorite album of the year. If you want to hear something unique, I highly recommend you check it out.

Favorite Songs:

Fuego!
Ash
Spring Break 1899

My Morning Jacket: Evil Urges - I've never heard an album with a more eclectic sound. It moves from an imitation of Prince to alternative to country to mid-70's AM radio to straight-ahead rock and back to alt-country. The weird thing is that it all works. To quote the end of the album itself, "AAAGH- ok, cool."

Favorite Songs:

Thank You Too!
Librarian
Smokin' from Shootin'

Nine Inch Nails: Ghosts I-IV - This is another one I haven't listened to much, but then again, there's not much to hear. It's very ambient music that works great when coding or reading, but not something I really listen to intently.

Favorite Songs:

28 Ghosts IV

Nine Inch Nails: The Slip - The 2nd Nine Inch Nails album of 2008, this one was released for free online. At least the price is right! I kid! I kid! It's pretty enjoyable, and thankfully there's only one really political song on the album, Letting You. As a side note, I wonder if Trent Reznor feels embarrassed at all about Year Zero, since Obama was elected. I kinda doubt the HBO deal for the TV series will go through now.

Favorite Songs:

1,000,000
Discipline
Lights in the Sky

Oasis: Dig out Your Soul - A lot of people hailed this album as a return to form for Oasis, but I have to question that. To me, most of the album just kind of slumbers along, and it seems Noel Gallagher forgot how to play lead guitar. It's not bad, just not really interesting.

Favorite Songs:

Bag It Up
The Shock of the Lightning
I'm Outta Time

The Offspring: Rise and Fall, Rage and Grace - The Antichrist returns! Yes, this album was produced by Bob Rock. Fortunately, it almost completely overcomes the horribleness of Rock and offers some pretty good music. It's only dragged down a little by some out-of-place ballads and a closing track that couldn't be more of a ripoff of Green Day if it tried. Hopefully, The Offspring don't shackle themselves to Old Scratch for the next 20 years.

Favorite Songs:

Half-Truism
Trust in You
Hammerhead

Rivers Cuomo: Alone II: The Home Recordings of Rivers Cuomo - Ok, so I lied. This one's a compilation, but it's a compilation of unreleased material. How's it sound? It's still pretty good (basic three-chord rock with some nice acoustic songs), but if Rivers mines any deeper for an Alone III, he'll probably come up with more turds than gold nuggets.

Favorite Songs:

I Was Scared
I Don't Want to Let You Go
Can't Stop Partying

The Roots: Rising Down - Now this is interesting. The Roots is a rap group that plays live instruments. It definitely gives a very different sound from the sampled (and usually pretty bad) tracks that sit behind most rap these days. Also of note is that this is more like Sociopolitical rap, rather than party rap or "I'm so awesome" rap. Pretty good stuff.

Favorite Songs:

Rising Down
Criminal
Lost Desire

Scott Weiland: "Happy" in Galoshes - This is Scott Weiland's 2nd solo album, and I think he works far better as a solo artist than he did in Velvet Revolver. Something about that supergroup never clicked for me. This album sounds closest to STP's Tiny Music..., though even that's still not a close match. The only thing to avoid on this album at all costs is his cover of David Bowie's Fame. It's terrible, but the rest of the album is good stuff.

Favorite Songs:

Missing Cleveland
Blind Confusion
She Sold Her System

Sigur Ros: Med sud i eyrum vid spilum endalaust - Try to say that five times fast. It's Finnish, in case you were wondering. This was an album I bought on iTunes one night while cruising through the new music. I don't usually buy music with naked dudes on the cover, but it seemed interesting, and that's what I'd still call it. Note: I used the non-naked cover in case anyone is reading this at work. Also, I didn't want to hunt around character map all night, so the accents on the words are missing.

Favorite Songs:

Gobbledigook
Inni mer syngur vitleysingur

Slipknot: All Hope Is Gone - Here's some angry music for those teenagers to blast out their car stereos! Actually, I really enjoy it too. They finally let their guitar players play out more, and their drummer kicks ass at the double bass pedals. The singer, Corey Taylor, is also one of the better screamers in metal today. Good stuff. Crank it up!

Favorite Songs:

Sulfur
Psychosocial
Vendetta

Trivium: Shogun - I haven't given this a full listen, but I can already tell I don't like it as much as their previous, ripped from the headlines effort, Crusade. The main difference is that on Crusade, the singer didn't do his screaming very much, making him sound like a young James Hetfield. On this album, he does more screaming, which unfortunately to me sounds more like he's having potty problems than sounding angry. I have to at least acknowledge the title track for its epic sound.

Favorite Songs:

Shogun

Weezer: Weezer (Red Album) - This is Weezer's third or forth (depending on what you think of the Green album) attempt at a comeback album, and I think it's more successful if only because Rivers Cuomo gave up the reigns and let the other guys write some of the songs. In fact, two of my favorite songs on the album were written and sung by the bassist (Scott Shriner) and drummer (Patrick Wilson). I'd be interested in a Scott Shriner solo album. Rivers' songs are still stuck in the "I'm a teenager at heart" mode, which is either endearing or pathetic, depending on your point of view. It works for me.

Favorite Songs:

Dreamin'
Cold Dark World
Automatic

Whew, well that's it! Hope you enjoyed. The Star Trek retrospective will be starting soon.

Albums of '08 - Miniviews (Part 1)

2009-03-25T22:03:00.007-06:00

Here are mini-reviews of the albums I bought that were released in 2008. I'm not counting compilations of previously released music. I'll also list my favorite songs from each album, up to three. Enjoy!

AC/DC: Black Ice - I love me some AC/DC. They're one of the most consistent (some would say repetitive) rock bands of all time. If you've ever heard any of their songs on the radio, you know exactly what this sounds like: straight-ahead, blues-based rock and roll. I'll just come right out and say I think this is their best album since Back in Black. What qualifies me to say that? I own all their albums, even the not-so-good ones like Fly on the Wall (which had too much 80's sound) and Who Made Who (which was mostly recycled material, as the album doubled as the soundtrack for Stephen King's film, Maximum Overdrive). The only thing I don't like about this album is that the song Black Ice doesn't really sound like an album closer the way songs like Rock and Roll Ain't Noise Pollution or Night Prowler do. The album just sort of ends. Otherwise, this album rocks!

Favorite songs:

Big Jack
Anything Goes
Wheels

Ashes Divide: Keep Telling Myself It's Alright - Despite the fact they were fronted by Tool's Maynard James Keenan (not because of his voice, I just think he's too bizarre), A Perfect Circle's first two albums are two of my favorite albums from the early 2000's. After A Perfect Circle disbanded, guitar player Billy Howerdel struck out on his own and created Ashes Divide. Their first album picks up where A Perfect Circle left off, and I love it. Plus, Billy's singing sounds almost just like Maynard's, so it's like nothing was lost (except for any connection to Tool)!

Favorite Songs:

Denial Waits
Defamed
Enemies

Beck: Modern Guilt - To be honest, I haven't actually listened to this album all the way through yet. It's a shame too, because I like Beck and producer DJ Danger Mouse, whom you might know from the music of Gnarls Barkley and the 2nd Gorillaz album.

Favorite Songs:

Gamma Ray

Buddy Guy: Skin Deep - This is another album I haven't heard completely, but shit, it's Buddy Guy. A great blues musician if there ever was one. A piece of trivia: Buddy Guy is one of two popular musicians I've seen live, the other one being Van Halen on their final tour with Sammy Hagar (awesome show!).

Favorite Songs:

Show Me the Money

Common: Universal Mind Control - This album is all over the place. Some songs I like, and some songs, I can't hit the fast forward button fast enough (think "featuring Kanye West"). I got suckered into buying this album after seeing the Zune ad featuring Universal Mind Control dozens of times on Cartoon Network. Too bad the rest of the album sounds nothing like the title track. Ah well.

Favorite Songs:

Universal Mind Control
Make My Day (feat. Cee-Lo)
Everywhere (feat. Martina Topley-Bird)

Crystal Castles: Crystal Castles - Chip-tunes and a girl screaming into a microphone. Sounds like a recipe for the worst techno ever, right? Well, it kind of is, but it grew on me. It's weird how Alice Glass' shrieking can compliment the melody of these songs (she actually only does the screaming bit on about half of the songs). This album is definitely not for everyone, but you should at least listen to samples to experience it.

Favorite Songs:

Untrust Us
Crimewave (Crystal Castles vs. HEALTH)
Love and Caring

DragonForce: Ultra Beatdown - These guys cannot be serious with this shit. They epitomize everything people laugh at when it comes to cheesy metal: long songs, crazy fast guitars, dumb lyrics about "rising to meet our destiny" or other such nonsense, and strangely uplifting melodies. You've gotta have a real tolerance for cheese to listen to this stuff. Fortunately for me, I'm not called "le fromage" for nothing (no one actually calls me that).

Favorite Songs (and I use the word favorite with tongue firmly planted in cheek):

Heartbreak Armageddon
The Warrior Inside

Gnarls Barkley: The Odd Couple - Speaking of DJ Danger Mouse, here's his 2nd collaboration with rapper/singer Cee-Lo. I don't like this as much as their first album, St. Elsewhere, but it's still just the ticket for a rainy afternoon. Strangely, Cee-Lo writes the most emo lyrics I've ever heard a black guy sing. It's like he's a skinny white teenager trapped inside a husky black guy. Not that I mind, though, and the production is good!

Favorite Songs:

Charity Case
Blind Mary
Neighbors

Guns N' Roses: Chinese Democracy - I cannot believe how much I like this album. I mean, sure, I like Appetite for Destruction as much as the next guy, but I thought the Use Your Illusion albums were way to bloated, and I figured Guns N' Roses was finished after most of the musicians left. However, there's a lot of energy in this album. Part of that is probably due to the fact that many different musicians played on the album, so the sound of the album constantly changes. Some of it sounds like it could have been recorded in 1991, while some of it sounds like, well, Buckethead. If you can stomach Axl Rose, give it a listen!

Favorite Songs:

Chinese Democracy
Better
Catcher in the Rye

The Hold Steady: Stay Positive - This is what you would call bar music. It's kind of like Bruce Springsteen, but not as long-winded. Singer Craig Finn doesn't so much sing as he tells stories about small town life while the band plays along. The music is great, and the lyrics are clever and funny. This is definitely one of my favorite albums of the year.

Favorite Songs:

Lord, I'm Discouraged
Magazines
Joke about Jamaica

Ok, I think that's enough for tonight. I'll continue this sometime, probably tomorrow, but you know what happens when I make promises.

Movie Madness - The Dark Knight (2008)

2009-03-25T20:01:00.002-06:00

Proving that Batman as a movie property was alive and well, Christopher Nolan was brought back to make another film in the same serious vein as Batman Begins. Considering Batman Begins was a reboot for the franchise, all the Batman villains were available for use, so the next obvious choice was the Joker. However, more than any other sequel in the franchise, the Dark Knight served as a direct continuation of the preceding movie, following Batman's mission to take down the mob in Gotham City.

The hype for this movie at the time of its release was almost unimaginable. A big part of it was due to the untimely and unfortunate death of Heath Ledger. I made sure to see the movie opening weekend. During the two-and-a-half hours I spent watching the movie, I must have checked my watch at least five times. That wasn't a good sign. After leaving the theater, I spent the drive home trying to convince myself I liked the movie. I've since watched it twice on video, but everything that irritated me about the movie in the theater still bugs me.

I'd recount the plot, but that'd take this entire post, which is one of my problems with the movie. I can understand trying to play up the mob element of the movie as a reason for the Joker to show up, but come on. This is Batman, not the Godfather. How much detail do we need about the mob and the police's efforts to stop them? The whole 15 minute sequence of Batman kidnapping the Chinese executive was completely unnecessary. Excluding all the mob stuff, the plot becomes this: The Joker attempts to blackmail Batman into revealing his identity. Batman doesn't do it, so the Joker executes a really complicated scheme in order to kidnap Harvey Dent and Rachel Dawes, Batman's squeeze from the first movie. Rachel dies in an explosion, and Harvey's face is scarred, driving him to become Two-Face. Batman eventually catches the Joker and kills Two-Face when Two-Face attempts to kill Gordon's son.

The best performance of the show belongs to Heath Ledger as the Joker. His manic, anarchic take on the character is really creepy and fits the movie well. He's like a more invincible version of the killer from the original Dirty Harry with clown makeup. It's funny to think back and remember that Ledger was a controversial choice when first announced. I myself thought, "really, the guy from the gay cowboy movie?" One thing in particular I like about the character in this movie is his lack of back story. He just appears as some criminal force of nature. Even with all this praise, I still have to say I prefer the Jack Nicholson Joker better. He at least incorporated humor into his madness, while Heath Ledger's Joker insists he's not crazy. Whatever, man. You're the one in the clown makeup. Why so serious, indeed.

Christian Bale still annoys me as Bruce Wayne/Batman. He physically fits the part, but his Batman voice just grates on my ears, especially because he talks more as Batman in this movie than he did in Batman Begins. At least they finally made a costume that allows him to turn his head, as explained in one of the more self-aware scenes of the movie. Another point that bugs me about Batman in this movie is how his gadgets start to become more far-fetched, incorporating a lot of the "computers are magic" bullshit that makes me laugh when I'm watching 24. This Batman can't wait for the Bat-signal; he turns every cell phone in Gotham into a sonar transmitter, somehow.

Aaron Eckhart does a good job as Harvey Dent, but I think it was unnecessary to introduce Two-Face in this movie. I've read that originally, Harvey wasn't supposed to become Two-Face until the third movie, but the writers didn't think the Joker had enough of a character arc to carry the film. I guess I can't complain that Two-Face was in the movie, but I thought it was too convenient to kill him at the end. It might have made the third movie more interesting if somehow Two-Face escaped from Arkham, and the police had to cover-up his crimes to protect Dent's reputation.

I don't think anyone else in the movie really stands out. Maggie Gyllenhaal is even more of a non-person as Rachel Dawes than Katie Holmes was. When I first saw the scene where Rachel is killed, all I thought was "hmm, sucks for Bruce and Harvey." Michael Caine, Gary Oldman and Morgan Freeman all do perfectly fine jobs with their characters, being the solid character actors they are.

Ultimately, the reasons I don't like this movie much are because it's too long and takes itself way too damn seriously. What Batman boils down to is a guy who dresses up in a rubber bat costume (or in the comic books, a cloth bat costume with his underwear on the outside of his pants) and fights criminals. As much as I like Batman, I don't take him that seriously. Still, this movie is technically well made, and I have to give points to Heath Ledger for his creepy Joker, even if he did inspire a lot of bad Halloween costumes. Two-and-a-half school buses out of five.

Movie Madness - Batman Begins (2005)

2009-03-18T19:21:00.004-06:00

Batman & Robin flopped badly enough that Warner Brothers didn't jump at the chance to make another sequel right away. There were numerous story concepts that were brought up, including an adaptation on Frank Miller's Batman: Year One story, but none of these ideas were developed. Finally, a new director, Christopher Nolan, was brought on to tell the story that hadn't been explored in any of the movies and was only really explored in the comics during the 70's and 80's: Bruce Wayne's journey from frightened orphan to costumed hero. Batman Begins, starring Christian Bale and Katie Holmes, was released on June 15, 2005.

It's hard to describe how excited I was to see this movie. Keeping in mind I never saw Batman & Robin in theaters, it had been ten years since the last Batman movie I saw in theaters and 13 years since the last good Batman movie came out. When I first saw it, I thought it was one of the best movies ever. In the years since it's been released, however, I've come to see some of the flaws and change my opinion about the movie a little. By no means do I not like the movie, but it doesn't stand up in my memory the way the original Tim Burton movie does. I have no videogame memories for this one either, as I never played the game based on the movie. Given that most licensed games are terrible anyway, I'm sure I didn't miss anything.

Anyone who's reading this knows the plot of the movie, but here's a quick recap anyway: Bruce Wayne is in a Chinese prison. Taken under the wing of a man named Ducard, who represents one Ra's Al Ghul, Bruce trains with the League of Shadows until he learns of their killing methods and their plan to destroy Gotham. Bruce succeeds in destroying the League of Shadows training facility, saving Ducard from a fall to his death. Back in Gotham, Bruce takes on the image of the bats that frightened him when he was a child as a way to frighten criminals. Meanwhile, Dr. Jonathan Crane and the corrupt officers of the Gotham police are handling the delivery of a powerful hallucinogenic being smuggled into the city along with common drugs. Later, at Bruce Wayne's birthday party, Ducard shows up, revealing himself to be Ra's Al Ghul. Bruce is attacked and left for dead, while Ra's and his men begin their plan to spread the hallucinogenic throughout Gotham, which would cause Gotham's citizens themselves to destroy the city in the grip of their own fear. Escaping the mansion with Alfred's help and using the assistance of his friends Rachel Dawes and Jim Gordon, Batman is able to thwart Ra's' plans, leaving Ra's to die on the monorail as the train car crashes into the basement of Wayne Tower. Like I said, a quick recap.

The best thing this movie does is eliminate all of the camp that was in the 60's movie and had crept back into Joel Schumacher's films. All the actors play their parts with straight faces. The movie also tries to be more realistic with Batman's gadgets and costume. At the very least, the nipples are gone. The realism extends to Gotham itself, as most of the movie was shot on location in Chicago rather than made with miniatures or CGI. The seriousness of the movie eventually becomes flawed to me, but to a certain extent it's a very good thing.

Now, here are the problems I have with the movie. As a reboot of the franchise, this movie could use any of the villains from the Batman comics. Given this, why did they pick such C-list villains as Ra's Al Ghul and the Scarecrow? The Scarecrow could have been cooler (I thought he was actually one of the best villains in the 90's cartoon), but he only shows up as the Scarecrow toward the end and promptly gets shot in the face with a taser by Rachel. The whole identity switcharoo deal with Ra's is really pointless too. Anyone who knows Ra's from the comic should have guessed the truth, and it doesn't really add much to the character to say, "he was sort of a bad guy before, but now we're revealing him to be a real bad guy!"

The next point I'm a little conflicted on: how closely filmed and chaotic the fight scenes are. On one hand, it kind of makes sense for the Batman character that he draws the criminals together to fight them quickly in one big rush before anyone can pull a gun. On the other hand, we're watching the fight, not in it. If Christian Bale and the others went to such effort to do fight choreography, it would have been nice to actually see what the hell's happening.

My other major gripe is that for a guy who claims to not agree with killing, Batman sure kills a lot of people in this movie. His line about not saving Ra's at the end is stupid. He leaves a defenseless man to die in the monorail crash. That's gotta be at least manslaughter in most courts. I don't even know what his body count is when he blows up the League of Shadows base, but the explosions that kill people are a direct result of his knocking the hot brand into the powder kegs.

It's time for some real nit-picking on my part. My biggest problem with Batman himself is the voice. His throaty-growl sounds like a guy who's trying to sound scary, which just makes him sound funny to me, especially when he gives long technical discussions like how Scarecrow's fear gas works. The actors who played Batman in the other movies did the high-Bruce/low-Batman voice like Kevin Conroy did so effectively in the animated series (except George Clooney, who didn't even try). Why couldn't Christian Bale do the same thing? Next, why do the filmmakers point out how easy it was for Ra's to figure out Bruce Wayne is Batman? It made me think, "yeah, any idiot should be able to figure out Batman's identity. Why don't more people do it?" Also, how on Earth do the cops lose the Tumbler when they're driving down the highway? Do police cars not have headlights in Gotham?

Maybe that's my overall problem with this movie. It takes itself so seriously that any little flaws stand out all the more. I know this review was awfully negative, but the things I pointed out were little issues. I still think the overall story is good, along with most of the acting (Gary Oldman is the best Jim Gordon ever!). The special effects are great without being overdone or obvious CGI. This movie, in my opinion, is better than The Dark Knight, but I'd better save that for next time. Four brittle cowls out of five.

Movie Madness - Batman & Robin (1997)

2009-03-17T17:22:00.004-06:00

Batman Forever proved to be a big hit, especially with kids. In an effort to capitalize on this (i.e., sell more toys), Warner Brothers pressured Joel Schumacher to make the next movie, Batman & Robin, even more kid friendly. Right before Batman & Robin was released, Warner Brothers was all set to start production on the next film, Batman Triumphant, featuring the Scarecrow. We all know what happened next, though. Batman & Robin was panned by critics and Batman fans alike. According to IMDB, it didn't even make back its budget in US ticket sales. Warner Brothers would sit on the franchise for the next eight years.

Oh, boy! I've never seen this movie, so it'll be a real treat. However, I've seen a seven-minute montage of footage, so I think I'm a little prepared for what's about to happen. Just in case, though, I'm enlisting the aid of my good friend Samuel Adams (Black Lager) to help me out. We'll either get through this together or die trying. No videogame memories for me on this one, thank God. The game was released on the original Playstation, and just by looking at some videos on YouTube, I can be assured that I am truly lucky for not having played it. All right, time to get my crunk on and watch this sumbitch!

Best movie ever! Ok, not really. In fact, it's pretty damn awful and definitely the worst of the Batman movies. Here's the plot, what little there is: A new villain, Mr. Freeze, is trying to collect diamonds to power his ice equipment, which in turn will help him find a cure for his wife's terminal illness. Meanwhile, a botanist named Pamela Isley is attacked and thought dead by a mad scientist who has created the ultimate super-soldier, code-named Bane. After returning from the grave with the power over plants, Isley, now Poison Ivy, decides to rid the world of all human and animal life. For some reason, she gets the hots for Mr. Freeze and teams up with him. Batman and Robin confront the villains while Alfred is dying from the same disease afflicting Norah Fries, though in an earlier stage, for which Mr. Freeze has created a cure. Barbara, Alfred's niece, arrives to take care of Alfred. Of course, she finds the batcave and good old Alfred was kind enough to make her a costume before becoming bedridden. The team of Batman, Robin and Batgirl defeat Ivy, Bane and Freeze. At the end, Batman appeals to Freeze's remaining humanity to get the cure for Alfred's disease, and Alfred is cured.

Well, any good points about this movie? Strange as it seems, I thought the sub-plot dealing with Alfred's illness was kind of touching. This only worked for me because Michael Gough played the role through all four movies, and it was nice to see more attention given to him. Sir, you are truly the cream filling in the middle of this shit sandwich.

Bad points? Oh, where to start? This movie is the easily the campiest since the 60's film. The only difference is that where the 60's movie was low-budget and self-aware, this movie is filled to the brim with 90's attitude and had a huge budget for the time, so a lot of screen time that could be used for jokes is wasted on bad, mid-90's CGI and smoldering stares between Batman and Robin. This movie is also just too long at two hours. How many times do we need to see Batman and Robin argue over Poison Ivy? Also, I need to bring up the nipples on the costumes, only because they were deliberately left off the Batgirl costume. Why? Her nipples are the only one that could potentially, you know, function. Ah, well. At least we get gratuitous butt-shots of all three heroes. That's equal opportunity in action!

George Clooney is blah as Batman. I think this movie was made while he was on ER, so they just got whatever star they could. Chris O'Donnell is really annoying as Robin. He just bitches at Batman for the entire movie. Too bad Dick Grayson wasn't the Robin who got blown up. That would've been a good plot point to follow. Alicia Silverstone isn't really bad as Batgirl, I have to say. She's cute, and she scrunches up her face in a funny way whenever she kicks someone. She actually isn't in the movie nearly as much as I was expecting. Too bad this movie just about killed her career.

Arnold Schwarzenegger gets top-billing in the movie as Mr. Freeze. I suppose he was the biggest star in the movie at the time. His character is awful, though. Almost every line of dialogue he says is a cold or ice pun, and most of them are pretty labored and unfunny. Uma Thurman is hot as Poison Ivy, and like all the female characters in the series, that's her entire reason for being in the movie. Then again, she is Uma Thurman. Remember when she played Venus in The Adventures of Baron Munchausen? Schwing! I can't believe Ethan Hawke cheated on her. What an idiot. The last villain is Bane, who is basically an even stupider version of Frankenstein's monster in this movie. In the comics, he was a very tactical villain who eventually defeated Batman and crippled him. Here, he just says one-word lines and hits stuff really hard.

I'm going to cut this short, because it's stupid to talk about this movie for very long. I'll just say it's a very good thing Warner Brothers sat on the franchise for a while after Batman & Robin. I can only imagine how bad Batman Triumphant could have been. Would they have to have four villains in that one? Would they add another hero? Ace the Bat-hound, maybe? Bat-mite? At least this movie looked nice in high definition. One ice pun out of five, and that one is only for Mr. Gough.

Movie Madness - Batman Forever (1995)

2009-03-16T20:13:00.007-06:00

When Batman Returns turned out darker than the producers were expecting, they wanted a new direction for the next Batman movie. The change came in more ways than one. Tim Burton stepped aside for a role as producer (meaning he had nothing to do with the movie), while Joel Schumacher took over as director. Schumacher wanted to make the movie more "fun" than Burton's Batman Returns, in an effort to bring the movies into the late 40's era of the comics, when Batman and Robin fought crooks atop giant pianos and other such nonsense. Michael Keaton also stepped down from the Batman role, forcing a recasting that resulted in Val Kilmer wearing the (newly be-nippled) costume.

I first saw this movie in theaters after I had just turned 12. I definitely noticed that it was different from the Burton films, but it seemed fun and had a lot of action. Also, having just seen Ace Ventura, I thought Jim Carrey was the funniest damn person in the world, so I was way more tolerant of his performance as the Riddler than I otherwise would have been. Still, I haven't seen this movie in years, except for the opening scene, which I've seen on TV a few times. I always felt really bad for the security guard that Batman saves at the beginning, because he has a hearing aid. There was an "incident" when I was in first grade that taught me to respect people with hearing problems, so I've always been sympathetic to people or characters who are deaf or wear hearing aids.

There's no great videogame nostalgia story to go along with this one. I'd never played the game based on Batman Forever until recently, and oh boy, is it a pile of bat shit. It's a beat-em-up game in the vein of the Batman Returns game, but the game engine is based on the Mortal Kombat fighting game, so it's really slow-paced and hard to navigate. Also, the controls are a complete mystery. If you can tolerate a lot of f-bombs, this video illustrates the problem. Well, that's all the setup I've got. Off we go to the movies (in the other room)!

Hmm, that wasn't quite as bad as I was expecting it to be. Oh sure, it's got lots of problems, which I'll get to in agonizing detail, but it's still a pretty fun movie. As always, here's a quick plot summary: Two-Face, formerly District Attorney Harvey Dent, attempts to lure Batman to his death by staging a back robbery. This obviously fails, or the movie would be really short. Meanwhile, Edward Nigma, an employee of Wayne Enterprises, creates a new device that can manipulate and absorb people's brain waves. When Wayne shuts down the project, Nigma vows revenge, begins sending riddles to Wayne and continues the development of his device (that doesn't sound right). Bruce Wayne and Dr. Chase Meridian (who's really direct in her affection for Batman) attend a charity circus, which Two-Face crashes and threaten with a bomb in an effort to get Batman to reveal himself. In the process of removing the bomb threat, all but one member of the Flying Grayson family are killed. Dick Grayson then goes to live with Bruce Wayne, eventually discovering the batcave. Nigma (now the Riddler) and Two-Face begin working together, discovering on their own that Bruce Wayne is Batman. Dr. Meridian gets kidnapped, and Batman has to accept Dick as his partner (that doesn't sound good either) in order to rescue her. During the rescue, Robin gets captured too, and Batman has to save them both, which of cource he does. Two-Face falls to his death and Riddler ends up in Arkham Asylum after receiving too much input from his device (again, doesn't sound good).

Before pointing out the flaws, what good qualities does this movie have? Well, it is a little more fun than Batman Returns. There's lots of action and a few really funny jokes mixed in with the painful ones. Also, Nicole Kidman is hot for as long as she's on the screen. Wow, that seems to be about all I can think of. Just to pad this, I also found it neat how the entire movie basically had three colors: black for Batman, red (actually pink) for Two-Face and green for Riddler. And boy is there a lot of green in this movie.

The main problem with the movie is that it tries to balance the camp with serious character drama without doing a great job of either. Being mid-90's Jim Carrey, the Riddler and the silliness he brings are WAY over the top. I almost wonder if they ever had lines written for the Riddler, or if Schumacher just told Carrey to go nuts. On the other hand, the serious scenes where Bruce Wayne examines his motives for becoming Batman are overlong and frankly unnecessary. We know why he's Batman! You could ask almost any random person on the street, and they could tell you why Bruce Wayne is Batman. Why do we need to go over it again? I can see how it parallels Robin's story without being hit over the head with it.

Val Kilmer as Batman/Bruce Wayne is actually kind of boring. He's kind of wooden anyway, so I wasn't expecting much. His one funny scene is when he goes to Chase's office and thinks she's being attacked, because he hears hitting sounds and her grunting on the other side. He promptly rams through this huge, wood door and finds her hitting a punching bag. Oops. At least the costume made for this movie was more movable, so Batman spends more time fighting. Of course, one can't mention the costume with talking about the nipples. Why are there nipples on the costume? For that matter, why is there such a gratuitous butt-shot when Batman puts on his other costume at the end? What's that? Joel Schumacher is gay? Oh, nevermind.

Chris O'Donnell was way too old to play Robin. He was 25 at the time, for crying out loud. And how weird does it look that a rich guy in his mid 30's invites a grown man to live with him out of pity? Shouldn't Dick be out looking for a job or something? Aside from the age thing, he's not too bad in the part. He's sort of like a young, bad-boy Batman. And guess what? His Robin costume at the end has nipples too. It's also revealed that Alfred is making these costumes. What a dirty old man.

Jim Carrey is about annoying as he's ever been as the Riddler. His performance is almost exactly like his other movies from the mid-90's. They could have just called the character Ace Ventura: Batman Villain. The whole brain-wave absorbing thing is weird too. It's almost like they had another villain in mind and just did the riddle stuff at the last second. Tommy Lee Jones as Two-Face is a poor-man's Joker. For some reason, he's called Harvey Two-Face for the entire movie. Why didn't they just call him Harvey Dent or Two-Face? The weird thing about the villains is that they are both silly. I think it would have fit the movie better if Two-Face were more serious to balance out the Riddler's manic comedy.

Now for the minor characters. Nicole Kidman is hot as Dr. Chase Meridian. That's her entire purpose in the movie. She's introduced in the first scene just to get her onscreen and it's put out immediately that she has an obsessive crush on Batman, so she keeps dogging him through the movie. Michael Gough is good again as Alfred. He's definitely the old reliable of the franchise. In fact, he definitely does the best acting job of anyone.

All right, that's about enough for this one. It has some fun, but the serious parts mixed in with Jim Carrey's manic insanity (which isn't as funny now that I'm twice as old) make for a confused movie. That's ok, though, because tomorrow is Batman and Robin. I've never seen it before. It's supposed to be really good right? Anyway, two bat nipples out of five.

Movie Madness - Batman Returns (1992)

2009-03-15T10:46:00.003-06:00

When the first "modern" Batman movie was being made in 1989, there wasn't much thought given to potential sequels. After the movie became a hit, plans went underway immediately to get a sequel out. Given his success with the first movie, Warner Brothers got Tim Burton to return as director on the sequel. Only this time, Burton was given total free reign to do whatever he wanted with the movie. What he made was a film even darker than the first one with the visual style that become synonymous with the director.

When I first saw Batman Returns, I was nine. Some of the weirdness was lost on me, as I was just happy to have another Batman movie. It doesn't stick in my mind as well as the first one, though, so I don't actually remember it that well. I remember the Penguin being gross and Catwoman being hot, but I haven't seen it in years. More memorable to me is the Super Nintendo game based on the movie. We never bought it, but I must have rented it from the video store at least four times. The game was a beat-em-up like Double Dragon or Final Fight. Put simply, you, as Batman, walk to the right and beat the crap out of clowns. That's pretty much it, but it's very satisfying. Anyone who knows me knows I hate clowns. I mean I really, really, really hate clowns. The opportunity to punch them, slam them into walls and the floor and otherwise bash them made a grand ole time for me. Anyway, it's time to slay the dragon! Oops, I mean it's time to watch the movie.

Wow, that was pretty dark and weird. Here's the story: 33 years ago, a child is born to the Cobblepots, gross enough that the nurse and doctor both run away after the child is born, and the father screams when he sees the baby off-camera. On Christmas, after the baby reaches through the bars of the cage he lives in and grabs a cat, almost certainly eating it, the parents dump the baby into the river. The baby basket floats into the sewers, where it's discovered by penguins. How penguins could survive in the sewers of a North American city, I don't know.

In the present day, it's Christmas time in Gotham City. Businessman Max Shreck is trying to pressure the mayor into letting him build a power plant, even though Gotham has an energy surplus. Max's bumbling secretary, Selina Kyle, looks into the power project a little closer and discovers the plant's real intent is to siphon the excess energy and store it... somehow and for some reason that's never really explained. For snooping (and I assume for finding a hole in Max's plan), Selina gets a free shove out a window by Max. Selina is revived by cats, who give her mouth-to-mouth and chew her fingers a bit. Selina decides the best way to get back at Max is to make herself a skin-tight cat costume and wreck his department stores, but at least she looks good doing it!

Throughout the movie, there's a rivalry between Batman and Catwoman, while at the same time, there's a(n odd) romance between Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle, until they figure out each other's secret identity. Awkward! Meanwhile, the Penguin, who's all grown up and disgusting, sets himself up as a hero when he "rescues" the mayor's baby from his own gang. Batman suspects the Penguin isn't the hero he claims to be and spends the rest of the movie trying to defeat him, which he eventually does. Catwoman also eventually gets her revenge on Max and kills him, while she escapes with one of her nine lives intact.

This movie is more of a Tim Burton movie than a Batman movie. The focus is almost completely on the villains, as Batman was already established in the first film, and Burton must have thought that was enough. The film has a very dark atmosphere, which is enhanced by the snowy and cold scenery. There are also some parts that are just weird, such as the Penguins birth, the way Catwoman is revived by the cats, the part where Penguins bites a guy's nose, and the penguins with rockets strapped to them. I have to admit, though, the penguins with the little rockets are kind of cute.

This movie does have it's good points too. There's a little more action in this one, so we get to see Batman beat up more criminals. Also, the photography itself is a little brighter, so it's easier to see what's going on. The music by Danny Elfman is still great. The filmmakers also kept the cast a little smaller, so there was more time to see the characters develop, odd as they may be. As much as it eventually takes away from the Batman-ness of the film, I still really enjoy Tim Burton's visual style.

Michael Keaton still does a pretty good job as Batman. His Bruce Wayne is still quirky and why women fall for him is a bit of a mystery, but he gets to show more of Wayne as a tough businessman. As Batman, he still can't move much in the costume, so the fight scenes are brief, and Batman uses the Batmobile itself as a weapon more in this film. Batman's body count isn't quite as high in this movie as in the first one. In fact, I can only think of one instance where's it's conclusive that he kills someone. There's a fight where he straps a bomb to a guy and throws him into the sewer, where the bomb explodes. Again, Batman killed people in the original comics, so it's not a big deal to me. As in the first movie, Batman totally wrecks his secondary mode of transportation, which in this case is a kind of jet water-craft he uses to drive through the sewers.

Michelle Pfeiffer is pretty odd as Catwoman. As Selina Kyle, she plays a frazzled secretary who's overworked and desperate for affection. As Catwoman, she's supposed to be like a feminist symbol, but still likes to tease men. Her Catwoman voice is also a little exaggerated, much like Christian Bale's Batman voice. She's also totally convinced that she has nine lives, which I thought was way too played-up in the movie. At the end, when Max is shooting her, she even counts her remaining lives as each bullet hits her. As I mentioned earlier, she looks really good in the Catwoman costume. From what I've heard, her costume wasn't just put on, it was so tight they had to sew her into it.

Danny DeVito is just gross as the Penguin. During the film, he tries to portray himself as a hero, and the public buys it for a while. In fact, Max Shreck gets Penguin to run for mayor. I have to say, I don't really buy people electing a nasty tempered, violent, little deformed guy like him. Penguin's real plan is to kidnap and murder the first-born sons of Gotham's elite families, which he spends most of the movie plotting, only to have Batman foil it within a couple minutes toward the end. Frankly, I prefer the way Penguin is portrayed in the comics now better. He's not really deformed, except for maybe his nose. He's just called the Penguin, because he's a crime boss and the penguin motif is just his thing.

The main secondary characters are Max Shreck, played by Christopher Walken and Alfred, again played by Michael Gough. Christopher Walken is just really just playing as himself like he usually does. It works for the character, though. Michael Gough again does a good job as Alfred. He's just a nice old guy whom you would trust to drive you around and help fight crime with your bat-computer. By the way, the character Max Shreck is named after the actor who played Count Orlok in Nosferatu. Get it, a Batman character named after the actor who played a vampire? Ooh!

So how is the movie? I really have to rate it two ways: as a Tim Burton movie and as a Batman movie. As a Tim Burton movie, it's good, but not great. It's very dark and imaginative with the villains and gang members. However, it kind of starts to drag and frankly gets a bit boring in the middle. As a Batman movie, it's ok. It focuses way more on the villains than Batman, but at least Batman gets more opportunity to fight criminals and do detective work than in the first movie. I'll just split this down the middle, then. Three radio-controlled penguins out of five.

Movie Madness - Batman (1989)

2009-03-14T08:47:00.006-06:00

As I said last time, after the 60's Batman TV series and movie came and went, most people in the public didn't take Batman seriously. However, the comic books soon started becoming darker to honor the original spirit of the Batman comics as created by Bob Kane in 1939. This culminated in some of my favorite Batman comics ever released: The Dark Knight Returns (1986), Batman: Year One (1987), The Killing Joke (1988) and A Death in the Family (1988-1989). It was by pure nerd reflex that I listed those in chronological order before looking up the dates. Many people also include Arkham Asylum: A Serious House on Serious Earth (1989) in the group of great 80's Batman stories, but it was a little too weird for me. If I remember right, there's a part where Batman gets ripped up by Killer Croc, but then it didn't happen, or something. Anyway, as the comics were getting darker again, there was movement among movie producers to make a new Batman film that reflected this change. The result of this was Batman, directed by Tim Burton and released in June, 1989.

My copy of Death in the Family is at my parents' house, but you get the idea.

This is the movie that turned me into a total Batman fan. As a six-year old, nothing was cooler to me than this movie. It was dark with good action, great music (though the Prince songs make the film feel dated today) and great portrayals of classic characters. Along with the movie, there was the Nintendo game by Sunsoft, released the same year as the movie. It's one of my favorite NES games, though after 20 years, I still can't beat the 2nd boss. I've even watched videos of other people doing it, but I just can't do it myself.

It's kicking my ass just by holding it.

The plot of Batman is thus: a creature described as a giant bat is stalking the night of Gotham City, driving fear into the hearts of criminals. The police deny his existence, while reporter Alexander Knox and his photography partner Vicki Vale try to discover the truth. Meanwhile, the police are closing in on Carl Grissom, the crime boss of Gotham. Grissom attempts to get the police off his back by setting up Jack Napier, one of Grissom's men who is sleeping with Grissom's wife. After a confrontation with the mysterious Batman at the Axis chemical plant, Napier is believed dead after falling into a vat of chemicals, but resurfaces with a disfigurement that fixes in face in a grin and bleaches his skin. Murdering Grissom and his lieutenants, Napier, now known as the Joker, takes over the crime empire in Gotham and begins terrorizing the city with poisoned products made from the chemicals at Axis. Vicki Vale begins dating millionaire Bruce Wayne, later discovering that Bruce Wayne is the Batman. The Joker hatches a plot to poison thousands during the Gotham 200th Anniversary parade, which Batman narrowly thwarts. However, Batman is injured and the Joker makes off with Vale to the top of Gotham Cathedral. In a final confrontation, Batman tells the Joker that he, as Napier, was the one who killed Wayne's parents years ago, influencing him to become the Batman. The Joker points out the humor of this, as Batman was the one who created the Joker after dropping him into the vat at Axis Chemicals. While trying to escape, the Joker is killed and the Batman is hailed as the city's hero.

If the plot sounds like it's coming from a 1940's film noir movie crossed with a radio serial, that's the point. This movie is, in my opinion, the best cinematic effort so far in portraying the spirit of the original Bob Kane comics. The story is dark, with the majority of humor, demented as it is, coming from the Joker. There's an element involving organized crime that isn't too complicated (unlike the Dark Knight, which I'll get to). There's a love interest for the hero who becomes the damsel in distress in the movie's climax. It just does a great job of giving the feel of the earliest Batman comics, aside from the facts that all the cars in the movie are 70's or 80's models and Batman has a jet aircraft.

Michael Keaton, though a controversial choice at the time, makes a pretty good Batman. While he's limited in his fighting capabilities due to the bulk of his costume, Keaton does a great job showing intensity with his eyes and mouth, which goes a long way when that's all you can see of his face inside the costume. I also think he makes the best Bruce Wayne. He's pretty quiet and unassuming, and portraying the character as a quiet, quirky recluse, it seems like he's the most likely Wayne to be crazy enough to dress up in a bat costume and fight criminals.

Jack Nicholson steals the show as the Joker. Not as goofy as the Cesar Romero Joker, nor quite as anarchistic and brutal as the Heath Ledger Joker, Nicholson strikes a balance of demented humor and violence. Sure, he's basically just playing the character as Jack Nicholson with white make-up, but it works really well. He also gets the best lines. "This town needs an enema!" "Never rub another man's rhubarb!" And of course, "Have you ever danced with the devil by the pale moonlight?"

The other characters are really just there, without a huge impact. I think Kim Basinger does a good job as Vicki Vale, given she was called in to play the role at the last second, after Sean Young was hurt in a horse-riding accident. Michael Gough does a perfectly serviceable job as Alfred the butler. Not taking up much screen time, he plays his part well. Everyone else has a pretty short screen time, except for Robert Wuhl as Alexander Knox, who's shown prominently for the first act, then is completely dropped after the character gets injured in the third act.

No talk about Batman would be complete without mentioning the music. The score done by Danny Elfman is fantastic, iconic, and a whole bunch of other words that end in -ic. If the Batman theme doesn't make you want to watch the movie or the animated series that also used it, you just must not like Batman at all (and I don't like you). The Prince songs used in the film are ok, but as I said earlier, they date the film.

The only real problem I have with the film is the sequence where Batman is shooting at the Joker from the Bat-wing, completely missing him, while the Joker shoots down the Bat-wing with one shot from a comically long revolver. It just seems silly and really out of place with the dark tone of the movie. Others don't like the fact that Batman kills a bunch of people in this movie. If you thought he only kills the Joker, watch it again more closely. He's got quite the body count. This used to bother me too, but remember, Batman killed people all the time in the original comics. It wasn't until later that he only incapacitated crooks to show there was a line even he wouldn't cross.

What's left to say? It's a great movie, gives me all sorts of nostalgic fuzzy feelings, and watching it in high definition is a real treat. I can't believe how clean the film looks after 20 years. The high definition video does reveal a couple effect shots that use miniatures that I never noticed before, but otherwise, looking great doesn't hurt this movie at all. Four and a half Smilex-filled balloons out of five.

Update: Crap, I forgot to mention the Batmobile! It's awesome!

Movie Madness - Batman: The Movie (1966)

2009-03-13T17:54:00.006-06:00

Back in 1966, ABC created a TV show based on the Batman comic books, simply titled "Batman". The show was definitely a product of its time. Comic books were not taken seriously by many adults, and the show reflected that. Even the comic book writers didn't take comic books seriously at the time. Check out these Batman comics for evidence of that (jokes might be NSFW). Bright colors, painful over-acting on everyone's part, ridiculous plots, characters and gadgets and cheesy music gave the TV show the most campy feel possible. It honestly surprises me that a prime-time show this silly could last 120 episodes, but it did.

I can't remember if I saw the first Tim Burton Batman movie before watching the TV series, or if it was the other way around. Either way, the show was a treat to watch on rainy afternoons. I thought Batman was totally awesome, and being six at the time, it didn't matter to me that the show was campy. Heck, I probably couldn't tell the difference. It was just great to see Batman and Robin beating up villains and saving the day.

It wasn't until a few years later that I saw the Batman film based on the TV show. If I remember right, I saw it on a day I was home sick from school. By that time, I had reached the age where the only Batman I thought was cool was the dark and serious Batman of Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns or the early 90's comics. I was pissed off by the "Pow!" and "Bam!" visual effects, the stupidity of the plot and the jokes. The drawn-on eyebrows on Batman's cowl were enough to drive me away. Anyway, that's enough about the past. What's the movie about, and how does it fare today, when a deeply serious Batman movie like the Dark Knight makes over a half-billion dollars in US ticket sales alone?

Batman: The Movie is basically a 100-minute episode of the TV show with a slightly bigger budget. In fact, the movie was filmed between the first two seasons of the show. The plot goes like this: Joker, Riddler, Penguin and Catwoman have kidnapped an inventor/brewery owner/Commodore and his invention, a device that can dehydrate people into mineral form (without killing them, of course, this is a family movie). One thing about this movie, it does not mess around. Within five minutes, the plot is explained and Batman and Robin are on their way to rescue the Commodore.

Like the TV show, this movie doesn't take itself seriously at all. The villains are total losers that couldn't villain their way out of a paper bag. Batman and Robin make the most bizarre leaps of logic with the Riddler's riddles. One example involves these two clues: ball-point banana and Russians. Robin's answer to this riddle is, "someone who's rushing is going to slip on a banana peel and break their neck" to which Batman replies, "yes, that's the only possible solution." At the same time, Batman is so clueless, he can't tell that Ms. Kitka is just Catwoman without her cat ears. She even says "purr-fectly" numerous times as Ms. Kitka. There's also the fact that every possible piece of equipment Batman owns has the word Bat in front of it. Bat-rope, Bat-gas (which puts people to sleep), Bat-wake (which is like Bat-gas, but wakes people up). Does Batman get up in the morning to take a Bat-dump before his three-mile Bat-run and a hearty Bat-breakfast?

If it sounds like I don't like this movie, that's not it at all. I think it's great. It's actually really funny if you can let the idea of a silly Batman sink in. After all, this is a guy who dresses up in a bat costume to punch criminals with his sidekick who's in small green underwear and pantyhose. Adam West does a great job with this overly-serious straight man Batman to Burt Ward's naive, but eager Robin. The villains are all kind of stupid, and the Joker looks ridiculous. Cesar Romero refused to shave off his mustache for the role, so they just painted over it with the same grease paint as the rest of his face. It looks really cheap, but again, funny. Julie Newmar wasn't available when the movie was filmed, so Lee Meriwether filled the role of Catwoman. By filled the role, I mean she fit really well into the Catwoman costume. Mreow!

Three scenes in particular stand out to me as hilarious. First is the fight with the shark that involves "shark repellent bat-spray", which along with "Manta Ray repellent bat-spray" and a couple others, Batman just happens to keep handy in the Bat-copter. This fight with the shark (which explodes after Batman sprays it) takes place while Batman is standing on the Bat-ladder suspended from the Bat-copter. The Bat-ladder even has a sign on the bottom of it clearly labeled "Bat-ladder".

Second is the bomb scene. In this scene, Batman finds a bomb with its fuse already burning in the villains' vacated hideout and decides to get rid of it to save the civilians. The only problem is that no matter where he runs, there's always someone in the spot where he want to throw the bomb. You name it, drunks, nuns, couples, cute little ducks, they're all in the way. This goes on for quite a while, eventually ending in the classic line, "some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb." True dat.

Last, there's the scene at the end where Batman and Robin are trying to separate the dried molecules of the United World Security Council after the dumbass Commodore runs into Batman, causing Batman to drop the vials containing the dehydrated people. The thing that strikes me funny about this scene is the costumes. Even while doing scientific stuff, Batman and Robin still wear their capes and utility belts outside their smocks. It's just silly.

So yeah, if you can get away from the idea that Batman has to be dark and serious, this movie is pretty good. It's campy, it's goofy and it's really funny. The only problem with the movie is that at over 100 minutes, it eventually gets to the point where it's almost too much. For what it is, though, it's great. Four cans of shark repellent bat-spray out of five.

Movie Madness - Batman: A Prologue

2009-03-12T22:10:00.002-06:00

Coming up tomorrow night and for the next week or so, I'll be watching and posting my thoughts about the Batman movie series. Why? Why not?! I've never done a movie series retrospective, and I just bought the Batman Anthology on Blu-Ray, so I feel like risking life and sanity for some entertainment. Also, I'm going to do a Star Trek movie series retrospective soon, in recognition of the new movie coming out in May, but I'm waiting for the last movie I didn't already own to come in the mail. Anyway, coming up tomorrow night will be Batman: The Movie. No, I'm not talking about Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson, I mean the 1966 masterpiece starring Adam West and Burt Ward. Bam! Pow! Holy soggy asscrackers, Batman! Grab your Bat-shark repellent and stay tuned!

Required Reviews - Watchmen

2009-03-08T14:33:00.002-06:00

Fanboys, rejoice! Or lament! The Watchmen movie is upon us! I finally got around to reading the graphic novel last fall, and I can’t say I was blown away. Don’t get me wrong, it’s very good. It’s a cool look at “normal” superheroes, and how the world might be affected by them (and vice versa). It’s also a good Cold War story. However, I found it a little overly complicated, especially with the comic within a comic, Tales of the Black Freighter. There’s also a bit of bias on my part, as I find Alan Moore to be very overrated as a writer.

How about the movie itself? Well, I think it’s great. Better than the comic, even. They completely cut out Tales of the Black Freighter and simplified the ending a bit, which I think eliminates some of the comic book feel from the movie. It’s ironic, though, that by making the ending more realistic, I think they made it less believable. I don’t want to spoil either the book or the movie, but if you happen to read/watch both, maybe you’ll see what I mean.

The story begins in 1985 with the murder of a retired superhero, the Comedian. Investigating his death, another hero named Rorschach believes that someone is trying to eliminate superheroes, who were officially outlawed with the passing of the Keene Act years earlier. Working with former heroes Night Owl, Silk Spectre, Dr. Manhattan (the only true superhuman in the story) and Ozymandias, Rorschach uncovers a conspiracy that threatens many lives as the threat nuclear war with the Soviets lingers. This is a severe simplification, as there are numerous subplots that cover the back stories of all the characters. The running time of over two and a half hours is barely enough to contain the story that’s here. Still, I found this much easier to sit through than the Dark Knight.

The one element that really makes the movie better than the book for me is the music used throughout the movie. I suppose one could listen to 60’s and 70’s music while reading the book, but the songs used really bring the Cold War 80’s feel to life. The only real unfortunate choice is a My Chemical Romance cover of Desolation Row. Since the movie takes place in 1985, why is there a modern (and really bad, no less) song on the soundtrack? At least it’s only used in the credits.

What else is there to say? It’s a solid action movie with a lot of story for the characters. It can seem long, but at the same time, there's so much going on that it could be hard to follow if you haven't read the book. The gore is really gory. The nudity is, well, there’s quite a bit, especially if you count Dr. Manhattan and his blue meanie. I thought it was a great adaptation of the book. Great job!

As a bonus, here are some short thoughts on the movie trailers that I remember:

Terminator: Salvation – People and robots, blowing shit up! Also seems they’re going the Cylon route with the terminators, as in, "I think I'm human, so why is my chest all metal and stuff?"

Angels & Demons – You’ve got to be kidding me. I thought the Da Vinci Code was retarded, but this one, oh boy. The Illuminati, who know the true nature of the universe, are getting revenge on the Catholic Church for killing them during the Inquisition. My eyes just crossed from writing that.

Star Trek – This may not be a popular opinion, but I think it looks pretty sweet. I don’t hold Star Trek as a golden idol to never touch, so I’m ok with it. Besides, it’s an alternate timeline, for whatever that’s worth.

Rivetting Reviews - Quarantine

2009-03-05T18:52:00.001-07:00

Ah, the first-person movie. What other kind of film works best to give popcorn bags a new role as up-chuck bags? Quarantine is the latest horror movie to use this technique to create the "YouTube" feel of other movies like Cloverfield and The Blair Witch Project, though Blair Witch was created before YouTube. Whatever, just go with it.

What little story there is goes like this: a woman and her cameraman are filming a late night show where they profile various people around L.A. This night, they are hanging out with some firefighters when a call comes in for a medical emergency at an old apartment building. On reaching the apartment, they find an older woman who's definitely not right physically or in the head. After the woman bites a police officer, the film crew and building tenants try to leave, only to find they've been sealed in by the authorities. The rest of the movie follows the survivors as they try to figure out what's going on and attempt to escape. The goal for the audience, as is always the case in horror movies, is to guess who is going to get picked off next.

This is for all intents and purposes a zombie movie, though I'm using the term zombie in its most liberal sense. The ghouls in this movie are very close the "rage-infected" from 28 Days/Weeks Later. They're not actually undead, and they're attacking people because they're infected with a form of super-rabies, which manifests within minutes rather than days or weeks. However, they're mindless, they attack people on sight and their disease is spread through saliva and blood, so yeah, they're zombies.

As far as zombie movies go, how is it? Meh, it's ok. I actually appreciate the long build-up with the film crew and firefighters at the beginning of the movie, so I at least cared about someone when the poo hit the fan. As far as the zombies, they're creepy, but I think something's taken away when there's such a simple explanation for their presence like "they're just rabid." Oh, ok. Also, maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I can't help feeling the idea of the feds cutting off access in or out of the building and openly lying to the public about what's going on as one last stab at the Bush administration. I can't wait for someone to make a zombie movie where a well-meaning, compassionate person makes a total bonehead move that dooms the world. Oh, wait, that was the end of 28 Weeks Later. Thanks, 20th Century Fox!

One more nitpick about the setting: watching the making-of documentary after the movie, the producers note that the film is set in an apartment building to give a greater sense that the danger has come home. That's great, except the main characters are the film crew, firefighters and police officers responding to the medical emergency. This apartment building is an unfamiliar environment to them, and so it is to the viewers. I think Zak Snyder did a better job of creating a feeling of the horror coming home for the character Anna in the first 15 minutes of his remake of Dawn of the Dead.

*Spoiler Alert!* In the end, does the film crew survive to show their brave struggle to the public? Nope! In fact, if you've seen the ad where the woman gets pulled screaming off into the dark or even the cover on the DVD case, congratulations, you've seen the last shot of the movie. This is another modern horror movie that feels very nihilistic. Like other first-person horror films, notably the aforementioned Blair Witch Project and Cloverfield, everyone dies, no one really does anything but run around screaming, and the whole point of the movie seems to be the novelty of the first-person filming technique. That isn't to say those movies or this one are bad (in fact, they're quite competently made), it's just that they feel very limited by the confines of one camera and ultimately somewhat pointless. The danger in this movie feels even more inconsequential, because, well, the building is completely sealed off. The zombies won't be getting out, so there's no danger to humanity at large. The lead actress sure can scream really loud, though!

Rivetting Reviews - Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li

2009-02-28T19:08:00.002-07:00

Oh, my. How can I even begin a review of this movie? Just to give you an idea of where I'm trying to come from with this, the 1994 Street Fighter starring Jean-Claude Van Damme is a better movie than this. Any movie spoofed on Mystery Science Theater 3000 is better than this. I kept waiting for a "Sci-fi Channel Originals" logo to show up at some point, but that's an insult to Sci-fi Channel originals. This movie is so bad it's almost not funny. However, I have a very sick mind, so I still found it a little funny.

This movie is oh-so-loosely based on the fighting game series by Capcom. Now, to begin with, the plot of the Street Fighter games is already, how should I say, retarded. The main point of the games is that M. Bison is trying to use his "psycho power" to conquer the world... somehow, and the key to this is unlocking the evil side of a certain martial artist named Ryu. Why Bison doesn't use guns and bombs like everyone else, I don't know. There is one sub-plot of Street Fighter II that explains how Chinese fighter Chun-Li is trying to take Bison down as part of an Interpol operation, but also as revenge for the murder of her father. This minor plot is what they used for the movie. In the movie, though, Bison's ambitions are reeled back a little bit, and he's basically turned into Lex Luthor from the Superman movies (i.e., trying to buy land as part of some complicated real estate scheme).

We first meet Chun-Li when she is a child and played by a Chinese girl. She trains with her dad as a pianist and does some martial arts training on the side. Fast forwarding a couple years, Chun-Li seems to have grown out of her Chinese genes and is now played by a young Caucasian girl. In adulthood, she's played by Kristen Kreuk, who is technically half-Chinese, but you'd never know it unless you looked it up like I just did. Anyway, I'll get back to her adulthood later.

One night after a long day at the office, Dad comes home, only to be attacked by ninjas, led by Balrog, the boxing character from the games, played by Michael Clarke Duncan. To be honest, I think Mr. Duncan does the best job trying to not embarrass himself in this mess. All his role needs is a big guy who can throw a punch, and that's what he does. Anyway, Dad gets kidnapped and Chun-Li has her first encounter with M. Bison. Bison, played by Neal McDonough, is blond with blue eyes, and again, has the name Bison. Can you guess what nationality he is? That's right, he's Irish, so Bison speaks with an Irish accent, which Mr. McDonough seems to sometimes forget. Now, this wouldn't really be a problem except that we learn Bison's parents were killed when he was a baby, and Bison has lived in Bangkok his entire life. Whoever wrote this movie must think accents are hereditary. That makes me smile on the inside.

Ok, you have to know where this is going (Chun-Li beats Bison), so I'm just going to throw out random thoughts on acting, plot holes and the general silliness of this movie:

At the end of the movie, Chun-Li is kneeling at her father's grave, wondering if being a fighter is the kind of life he'd want for her. However, at the beginning of the movie, she clearly states that her father wanted her to be a concert pianist.
Chun-Li's ultimate attack is a fireball technique, which is similar to the fireballs Ryu and Ken use in the games and unlike the fireball Chun-Li uses in the games. The only problem is that it takes forever to charge up this fireball. Fortunately, the only time she has to use it, she manages to hit Bison with a bag of cement mix, and Bison apparently forgets how to blink or rub his eyes. This causes Bison to stagger around for the aforementioned forever, so Chun-Li can finish her little fireball.
Part of Bison's story is that in order to become such an evil businessman, he had to get rid of his conscience. Reading "the ancient scrolls", he learns, and later performs, this procedure of emptying his "good side" into his unborn daughter. This procedure consists of performing a very non-hygienic Cesarean operation on his wife (he rips the baby out of her), and stares into the baby's eyes until his eyes become dark. Dude, I'm not making this shit up.
We later find that Bison has been searching for his daughter for years, with no explanation of how he managed to lose her, since he was holding her in his arms when he did his conscience transfer deal. Did he drop her behind the sofa or something? Did he move once and forget to bring her along?
Vega, a Spaniard with a mask and Wolverine-style claw in the game, is mostly the same in the movie, except Asian and a total wuss. He's presented at the beginning as some sort of Darth Maul badass, but later in the movie, Chun-Li easily defeats him and strings him up with a rope. He's simply never heard from again.
Aside from Chun-Li, Bison, Vega, Balrog, and Gen (a minor character from the Street Fighter Alpha series who trains Chun-Li in the movie), the only other game character in the movie is Charlie Nash, played by Chris Klein. He does some of the truly worst acting I've ever seen. He squints throughout the entire movie, and delivers every line in a forced, overly-dramatic voice. It's not quite Christian Bale-Batman bad, but still really forced. Strangely, he uses a gun, not fists, so I'm not sure why they bothered to include him in the movie. He leaves no scenery un-chewed.
When we first meet Chun-Li as an adult, she receives a scroll, written in what I assume is Mandarin, but she wonders what it could say. Too bad she's only lived in Hong Kong her entire life and speaks Mandarin! I guess she never learned how to read. We later learn from an old woman that the scroll is written in "ancient Chinese". I thought they'd been writing in Mandarin for a while now, but whatever.
Part of Chun-Li's training includes leaving her life of luxury, and living off the streets of Bangkok, learning the pulse of the city, and fighting street thugs. The movie basically becomes "Batwoman Begins" for a while.
After defeating Bison by knocking him off a platform and onto a ledge about 50-feet down, Nash comes along to witness Chun-Li jump off the platform and onto Bison's head, breaking his neck and spinning his head around in a "I think the director thought this would be funny" fashion. Nash then tells Chun-Li something to the effect of "good job" when he really should be saying, "you know, I was willing to give you self-defence up to when you knocked Bison down, but when you jump on a defenseless man's head from 50-feet up, that has to count as at least 2nd degree murder."
The guy who directed this also directed Doom. That explains that, then.

Rivetting Reviews - Friday the 13th (2009)

2009-02-22T20:39:00.002-07:00

Last week, I had the pleasure (?) of going to the new Friday the 13th movie. I've seen the first two originals and Jason X (plus the end of Freddy vs. Jason and about 15 minutes of Jason Takes Manhattan), so I had a relatively good idea of what I was going to see: teens in the woods, doing things they shouldn't be doing, getting hacked to bits by a maniac in a hockey mask.
This remake tries to hit the high points of the first three original movies. The movie opens with a remake of the climax of the first movie, slightly changing elements to make Jason's first appearance more sensible, except it only kind of works and just raises another big question. I really don't want to spoil it if you've never seen the first movie, but the ending of the original was always confusing for a very obvious reason given the timeline of the sequels.
The next section of the movie is funny in that it's the longest pre-title sequence I've ever seen in a movie. Some kids go into the woods for various reason (collecting pot from a small garden stashed in the woods, sex and, well, more sex) and are picked off pretty quickly by Jason. I thought the movie was going to be over within 20 minutes, as the kills come quickly, but it turned out to only be the lead-in to the main story of MORE kids coming into the woods to party at a cabin, while another guy shows up looking for his sister, who was part of the group Jason terrorized earlier. Since he's not in the woods to party, you can guess whether or not he's one of the survivors.
You can probably see where this is going if you've ever seen a Friday the 13th or any other slasher movie. The real questions are: Are the kills good and bloody? Do girls take their tits out? How awesome is Jason? Is there a jump (i.e., "boo!" moment) right before the credits roll? Well, let's tackle these questions on their own.
First up, how are the kills? Good, if unoriginal. I think a lot of the kills were supposed to be homages to the kills from the earlier movies, so they can be forgiven for lacking imagination. There were a couple gnarly ones, though, involving a girl being cooked alive in her sleeping bag, and a guy getting caught in a bear trap. The only real disappointing kill is the asshole jock. This guy is a prick for the entire movie, so his death just seems way too quick. The kills sure are gory, and the effects are technically "better" than in the old movies, though seeing when a person's head suddenly became a plastic prop was part of the fun from the originals.
Next, do the girls get naked? You betcha! This one has way more nudity than either of the first couple movies. At least half the girls take their tops off, and there are two (quite unnecessary) sex scenes. I remember at the theater when the first girl took her top off, I heard a "oh my" come from behind me, and soon saw a little kid being guided out of the theater. Who the hell brings a small child to an R-rated slasher movie? I was amused that apparently the parent thought the gore was ok for the kid, but as soon as a nipple came out, it was time to go.
Third, how awesome is Jason? So awesome. The new guy playing the character is huge and has a very intimidating presence. I just watched the documentary "His Name Was Jason" this week, which had an interview with the new guy. He seems really cool, and it was fun to hear him talk about how he did a bunch of nods to the other guys who played the character with various movements and poses. Most importantly, Jason slays like few others, which is just the way it should be.
Finally, is there a jump? Well, yeah, this is a Friday the 13th. Obviously Jason doesn't really die, or there wouldn't have been eleven movies before this one. I still heard some gasps around me in the theater when it happened, though.
So how does the movie hold up overall? It's pretty good for what it's trying to do, which is remake and condense some classic (of course I'm being very subjective when I call them classic) horror movies and give them a more modern setting. There's even a black guy and an Asian guy at the cabin! And they smoke pot! And one of the girls films the guy while their having sex (maximum creepiness)! However, I'm glad they went the remake route, instead of another sequel. Jason's already been to Manhattan, Hell, nightmares and outer space. Sometimes a giant, deformed, monster hillbilly just needs a relaxing time in the woods.

Yak-ak-ak-ak-ak-ak-ak-a-kow!!!

2008-06-29T21:48:00.002-06:00

Do you like Guitar Hero? Do you like Aerosmith? Do you really like Aerosmith? Do you REALLY like Joe Perry's lead guitar style? If you answered "no" to any of these questions, do not under any circumstances play Guitar Hero: Aerosmith. You will be sad. On the other hand, if you're anything like me and answered "yes, yes, a slightly more hesitant yes, and sure" to the above questions, then by all means, apply directly to the forehead!

Also, an entertaining little Star Trek: The Next Generation rap. NSFW! You have been warned!

The Amazing Colossal Comic Book Movie Countdown

2008-05-03T19:22:00.002-06:00

Wow, last post on March 25th, huh? Yikes. Quick recap: Decap Attack (starring Chuck D. Head, lest we forget) - sucks donkey balls, Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII - really good, but the missions start to get repetitive after 20 hours. I'm just not the grinding type.

Anyway, I just saw Iron Man this afternoon, and it gets my official mostly-thumbs up, though the villian was, shall we say, less than inspired. They'd better do the Mandarin for the sequel. Science vs. Magic, yo! By the way, if you see it in theaters, make sure you stay through the credits. There's a sweet little bonus scene at the end that got my comic-book-geek sense tingling. To mark the occasion of a good comic book movie, I thought I'd reflect on the best and worst comic book movies. This'll include graphic novels, so there might be some surprising titles on here. Also, if there are any I miss, it's because I either haven't seen them, or they were entirely forgettable. And so, in a mostly particular order:

X-Men 2 - The pinnacle of the comic book movie. Mystique + Magneto = totally badass, and Wolverine was finally able to cut loose and jack fools.

Sin City - The best job ever of translating the style of a comic book to screen. If they do a movie version of The Dark Night Returns, I want Mickey Rourke to play old Batman.

Batman Begins - A terrific reboot to a franchise that died a horrible death in the 90's. For proof of that, look toward the bottom of this list. The only problem with this movie was that it featured such D-list villains as Scarecrow and Ra's al-Ghul. It looks like the Dark Night will be making up for that this summer.

The Crow - This one may not be quite as good as I remember it, but what the hell. It's the spawning point for a number of awful sequels and TV series, but a good movie itself.

X-Men - The best thing about this movie was the restraint shown in not trying to put ten trillion characters onscreen. I'd say it's THE movie that helped get superhero flicks back on track after the train wrecks of the Superman and Batman series.

Blade II - This one had the Nosferatu-looking vampires whose mouths opened up like the Predator. Awesome! Also, Blade and his enemies used pro wrestling moves during the fights, which is so goofy it's cool.

Iron Man - Robert Downey Jr. IS Tony Stark. Again, I really hope they go with the Mandarin for the sequel villain, though the bonus scene after the credits hints that the sequel may not be a solo movie.

V for Vendetta - Way easier to follow and better paced than the graphic novel on which it's based. That's right, I went there. And hey, Natalie Portman really can act when she's not in front of a green screen going off a script written by a man who lost all his talent around 1983.

Batman - Good, dark fun, except who cast the short comedian as Batman? It's like having the Mac kid play Superman. It would great if he played Aquaman, though.

30 Days of Night - A dark and claustrophobic vampire movie, and hey, it doesn't even have a happy ending!

History of Violence - An intense look at what kinds of secrets the people you know may be hiding. There wasn't a whole lot of gore, but what was there was enough to even make me wince a couple times.

Superman I - The original great comic book movie and definitely a classic. Sure, Superman turning back time to save Lois is beyond retarded, but the first time you saw it, you know you bought into it.

Superman II (Richard Donner Cut) - Way less goofy than the Richard Lester cut, it's also the source of the best comic movie quote ever: "Kneel before Zod!"

Spider-Man 2 - If I remember correctly, the amount of crying increases as the movies go up in sequence, so this'd be the mid-point of tear city. At least it was nice to see bystanders in a superhero movie at least give an attempt to stand up to a super-villain, even if he just whupped their asses in a second anyway.

Superman Returns - Kevin Spacey IS Lex Luthor. Unfortunately, this movie drags on way too long, and Lex's plans are unfortunately unchanged from his dumb schemes in the original movies.

Hellboy - Not great, but not bad. The thing I really like about the comic is how Mike Mignola brings a lot of folklore from different cultures into the comic. That didn't happen at all in the movie. There's also the fact that Hellboy wasn't actually the main character.

Spider-Man - Part one of the most emo superhero series ever. Too bad Mary Jane didn't die like Gwen Stacy did in the original version of "Green Goblin throws Spider-Man's lady off a bridge".

Constantine - A totally forgettable movie based on a comic of which you'd need a deep sea diving crew to find the overall plot.

Blade - "Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice-skate uphill." Blade has a way with words.

Batman Returns - Even darker than Tim Burton's original, and the Penguin was really creepy. On the other hand, Catwoman was hot. I'm conflicted.

Spider-Man 3 - See that shark, Spider-Man? The big one you're jumping? As the Incredible Hulk movie showed, nobody wants to watch the hero cry for the majority of the movie. Also, did they really need to cast the scrawny, sarcastic kid from That 70's Show as Venom?

Fantastic Four - Pretty harmless family fun, but the Fantastic Four doesn't actually work as a team until the very end, and Dr. Doom never really dooms it up much.

Batman Forever - It seems all comic book movies slip on the third movie, and this one was no exception. Though not as bad as Batman & Robin, Joel Schumacher really started to bring the camp back into this movie. Also, I must tell the costume designer for the movie I really didn't need to know if Jim Carrey was circumcised.

Superman III - I haven't watched the whole thing in forever, but I did recently catch the part where evil Superman sits in a bar and gets wasted, then gets killed by his goody goody side. Great.

Fantastic Four 2 - Pretty harmful family fun. I really liked the Silver Surfer when I was younger, so the fact that they *apparently* killed him at the end made me hate it even more. And Doom still wasn't very Doom-y.

Incredible Hulk - The original emo superhero movie. The whole point of the Hulk is "HULK SMASH!!!", and I don't mean those horrible Hulk dogs. At least the new one this summer has Hulk fighting the Abomination, which is like a yellow, fugly version of the Hulk. Commence smashing!

Batman (60's) - Being intentionally campy doesn't mean it's not crap.

Superman IV - I honestly don't remember much of this one, except at the beginning, Superman throws all the nuclear missiles into the Sun. Thanks, Superman! Without the threat of nuclear retaliation, you just made World War III a certainty!

Batman & Robin - I watched a montage of footage from the movie on Youtube, and I died a little bit inside. "A bat-bomb!?!"

X-Men 3 - This bottom of the list is reserved for this one, as it took a really great movie franchise and absolutely drove it into the ground. I can't imagine anyone continuing this franchise without a reboot. Thanks, Brett Ratner! You're a talentless bastard!

Wow, that took a while. Until next time, stay alpha! (GTA IV reference there) Yeah!!!

Going Retro - Decap Attack (sigh)

2008-03-25T17:04:00.002-06:00

It's been quite a while since I finished "Phantasy Star IV", so I figured I'd better get back to my retro odyssey. I mean, what else am I going to do? I made the same random generator script at work, compared the result with the Wikipedia list for the Sega Genesis Collection, and came up with... "Decap Attack Starring Chuck D. Head" (hur hur). Oops, I'm sorry, I hur-hurred before explaining that one of the major game mechanics is tossing a disembodied skull at foes. Get it? Chuck [the] Head? Ok, now everyone... hur hur. Ah, early 90's videogame humor. It's the same brilliance that brought us gems like Boogerman. Anyway, according to the article, this is an American conversion of a Japanese game called "Magical Hat Flying Turbo Adventure", which sounds more awesome than "Decap Attack" by a factor of a lot. There's nothing in the article to suggest the critical reaction to the game was, "zOMG, IT BURNS!!!!", so I think it might be ok. Guess we'll find out together.

Then again, I have Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core taunting me from the couch, where I dropped it after I picked it up at Best Buy after work. Might need to crack that open too. That brings me to another topic: my sheer terror at the prospect of playing through Final Fantasy VII again. You see, the game had its 10th anniversary last year, so a lot of game publications talked about the game and how it's not as good as everyone remembers. This really troubled me, as I thought it was fantastic the first time I played through it. Honestly, the only complaint I had was the sub-par translation done by Sony. I'd like to play through it again, just to prove that my nostalgia is right, but I'm afraid it'll be another case of those rose-tinted glasses blinding me to the fact that something I loved was actually utter crap.

Rock Band Wish List ('Cause, Like, Everyone's Doing It)

2008-02-17T20:12:00.002-07:00

Read any blog that involves videogames, and you'll eventually come across the author's Rock Band wish list. For those who don't know what Rock Band is, it's a music game that lets you play little plastic instruments along with rock songs (and it's totally awesome!) The developers are releasing new songs for download every week, which is pretty cool, as it implies EA will not try to force everyone to spend another $180 every year for 50 more songs. I found one blogger who cleverly collected songs into named groupings like the game's developer is doing when releasing tracks, so I thought I'd try the same thing. This list also gives some insight into my incredibly (shitty) taste in music. I tried to avoid bands that have already been done in Rock Band or Guitar Hero, but there were some bands whose best songs hadn't yet been included for whatever reason. I have a category to cover that. Each listing has a link to a YouTube video in case you don't know the song. Keep in mind these videos may be NSFW. Enjoy!

Best Song of a Band Already Featured

No More Mr. Nice Guy - Alice Cooper
Walk This Way - Aerosmith - Almost certainly won't happen now that a Guitar Hero game is being dedicated to Aerosmith.
London Calling - The Clash
Everlong - Foo Fighters
Only Happy When It Rains - Garbage

Rap Rock

90's Whatever

Seriously Old School

We Need a Keyboard Peripheral

David Byrne is a NERRRRD

Like Humans Do - David Byrne
Don't Worry about the Government - Talking Heads (terrible video quality)
Once in a Lifetime - Talking Heads

You Damn Kids and Your Music

The Gold in the Mountain of Our Madness

70's Rock

Scare Your Grandma

Primus Sucks

Going Retro: Phantasy Star IV - Postmortem

2008-02-17T12:18:00.003-07:00

I finished Phantasy Star IV last night around 9. And yes, I realize I have no social life. I had to fight the last battle twice, because I screwed up and attacked instead of putting my defensive barriers back up after the boss canceled out my stat bonuses. Bitch. Then later in the night I had dreams about strategizing for the last fight, and I had to wake up to remind myself I'd already beaten the game. Man, I'm a dork. And it's all downhill from here for the Sega Genesis Collection. Actually, there are other good games in the collection. For now, though, I'm keeping myself entertained (and occasionally frustrated) with Professor Layton and the Curious Village.

For the Good of the Ones Who Are Still Alive

2008-02-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

Woah, hey there. It's been a while. I got caught up reading a couple books, so I've only been playing Phantasy Star a bit. I seem to have found myself on a frozen planet. After destroying the monster that was causing a weather control satellite to freak out, I discovered fixing the satellite didn't fix the weather, so it's back to the frozen planet for more level grinding! But hey, I can talk about books too, right?

Of all media, books are about the hardest for me to review. The chain probably goes something like games, movies, music and then books. Games have a lot of elements that are easy to objectively rate, like graphics and control. These things either work or they don't. Movies depend on elements of story (with a focus on plot and/or character development) and acting. Acting is fairly easy to rate, but liking a plot can be pretty subjective. One person may prefer Resident Evil: Extinction to Citizen Kane, insane as that may sound. Musical taste is even more subjective. The most talented musicians don't always write the catchiest tunes. That's even a problem right there. What is most important in music? Is it the catchiness of a tune, or how technical the guitar playing is, or how many layers of harmony there are in a song? Books are the worst, though. Besides grammar, which may be intentionally bad, I don't think there's really anything about books that can be objectively rated. I either like it or I don't. Having said that, let's critique! By the way, lots of spoilers for the first book, so read at your own risk!

The Last Temptation of Christ - Nikos Kazantzakis
The Last Temptation of Christ is a fictional retelling of the story of Jesus of Nazareth, from just before his ministry begins to the time of his crucifixion. It attempts to pull the multiple versions of the Gospel into one consistent narrative, while throwing in some new elements to add more drama to the story. It also selectively forgets elements of the Gospel, but I'll get to that later.

The story opens with Jesus working as a carpenter building the crosses on which the various rebels and "Messiahs" are crucified by the Romans. He's constantly nagged by blinding pain whenever he tries to sin, so he's "rebelling" against God by building crosses and not going to synagogue. After the latest "Messiah" is crucified, Jesus decides he can't run away from God anymore and goes to a monastery in the desert. While there, he begins to get an idea of his mission to preach love among mankind, and goes from there.

At this point, the story more or less follows the Gospel until the end. The main difference at the end is the titular last temptation. While dying on the cross, Jesus passes out. He awakens to discover he's been saved from the crucifixion by a green-winged angel. Bet you can't guess who it is. Anyway, this angel proceeds to tell Jesus that God has had enough, and just wants Jesus to be happy. Jesus goes on to marry Mary Magdelene, who is promptly killed by Saul(Paul). Jesus then goes on to marry both Mary and Martha, the sisters of Lazarus. He has a whole mess of kids with them and grows old, while the angel keeps tabs on Jesus, making sure no one comes around to mess up this pleasant life. When Jesus is old, and the temple in Jerusalem is being destroyed by the Romans, the apostles show up, old and bitter. The angel disappears, then Judas begins calling Jesus a traitor and coward, and the other apostles do the same. Jesus faints, and when he comes to, realizes he's still on the cross. Having overcome this last temptation, he shouts out "It is accomplished!" and dies as he is supposed to.

The biggest problem I have with the book is the last temptation itself. Not that I'm offended by it, but I don't understand the way it ended. I'm guessing what Satan was trying to do was keep Jesus going until he died of natural causes, rather than being crucified. If so, why did he disappear when the apostles showed up? Also, it seemed less like Jesus really overcame the temptation and more like he was just shamed into fainting. Was the point that Satan couldn't really do anything and was just being a dick? If so, that's a pretty lame climax.

The bit that actually offended me a little was the portrayal of the Virgin Mary. In the Bible, she's at least somewhat aware what's going on with Jesus. In Luke, whenever something related to Jesus being special happens, it says that Mary "kept these things in her heart". Also, in John, Mary seems at least aware that Jesus can perform miracles, as shown during the wedding at Cana. However, in this book, Mary thinks her son is crazed and sick. She's basically just a fretting mother. Later in the book, she disowns him and isn't even stated to be present at the crucifixion.

In the end, we're left with a story of Jesus' life that focuses on his human side, and frankly, makes him appear insane. He constantly changes his mind about what to do, and after fasting in the desert (which happens far later in the book than it does in the Gospel), he's almost like a raving lunatic. The book itself does have a very poetic feel to it, with lots of cool imagery. From the viewpoint of a secular society, it's interesting to see a culture that's so focused on its religion. Seriously, the Jews in the book don't go two sentences without mentioning God, even if they blaspheme pretty regularly. Truth be told, it didn't make me feel like I understood or felt closer to Christ than I did before reading it, which was Nikos Kazantzakis' stated intent in writing the book. It was ok, but I doubt I'll ever read it again.

The Golden Spiders - Rex Stout
I needed a quick book to cleanse my palette a little bit after The Last Temptation of Christ, so I went with a Nero Wolfe mystery. These are always a quick read, and I can never figure out who the killer is, not because Stout doesn't give any evidence, but there's usually something I overlook when trying to decide who the killer is.

I can't say too much about these. They're always good and usually pretty funny, especially the interactions between Nero Wolfe and his assistant Archie Goodwin. If you want a detective mystery that's halfway between trashy pulp detective books and the sort of high-society detectives like Hercule Poirot, these are a safe bet. They're not too vulgar or violent, but they're not without action either.

Going Retro: Phantasy Star IV - Update Quatro

2008-01-27T22:17:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update: I now have the cute robot girl in my party. Seriously, Japan, you need to get out more.

Rivetting Reviews - Resident Evil: Extinction

2008-01-27T09:59:00.000-07:00

Resident Evil: Extinction is (hopefully) the last movie in the Resident Evil trilogy written and produced by Paul Anderson. You might remember some of Paul's other movies, such as Event Horizon and Mortal Kombat. No? Well, he did those. And while they weren't great, they weren't the most awful movies ever. In fact, I thought the first Resident Evil was quite enjoyable. It had enough ideas from the game to make the connection to the series, but did enough differently so that it wasn't just a retelling of the game, which we can all admit would have been awful. Plot and character development were not the strong points of Resident Evil. Plus, Milla Jovovich is hot. However, in the second movie, they did try to introduce more plot points from the games, and that's where things started to fall apart. I barely even remember watching it, but I know it was terrible.
Now Paul Anderson and director Russell Mulcahy have returned to cop a squat and drop the final movie upon us. This movie totally goes off the rails from the video game series and introduces us to a world ravaged by the T-Virus. Now, I already have to question this. Why would the T-Virus, which is only supposed to reanimate dead tissue in animals, cause the entire planet to die? Methinks Paul and Russell just wanted an excuse to turn this movie into the Road Warrior. You know what, guys? As psycho as Mel Gibson may be now, the Road Warrior was a way better movie than you guys will ever make.
The film begins with Alice (again played by the ever hot Ms. Jovovich), waking up on the floor of a shower stall similar to the sequence from the first movie. Things are different, though, as Alice goes through a door in the mansion to enter the hallway with the cutting lasers from the first movie. She escapes this trap to eventually be trapped in a hallway where she is killed by a modified version of a Bouncing Betty. She can evade lasers with ease, but obviously doesn't know how to duck. Whatever. The evil scientist dude from the 2nd film shows up and instructs two other guys to take a blood sample and dispose of the body. Ah, so it was just a clone of Alice.
Now here's where they try to introduce the science of the movie. Hang on, as this gets pretty hairy: Apparently the blood of Alice (the original Alice shown running around in the desert) has bonded with the T-Virus, creating a cure of sorts. The cure would make the zombies docile, but doesn't bring them back to life. The scientist guys are cloning Alice in an attempt to get same result. For some reason, this involves running the clones through an obstacle course based on the mansion from the first movie. What could this possible have to do with genetic research? *shrug* Why is the Umbrella Corporation still messing around with the T-Virus when the world has ended? Aren't there more important things to do than try to domesticate zombies? Besides, I've seen that plot point before, and it wasn't that interesting back then either.
"But, Dan," you say, "it's just an action movie. Shut off your brain and enjoy the violence." Ah, but there isn't a whole lot of action to hang your hat on either. There are two main fight sequences: One in the middle of the movie involving Claire Redfield's survivor convoy and the corporation's zombie army, and the final fight between Alice and the Tyrant (the evil scientist who took WAY too much anti-virus after he was bitten). The fight sequence with the zombie army is somewhat entertaining, if only because you can try to guess how many zombies could fit in that shipping crate. They should do that at county fairs instead of having people guess how many jelly beans are in a jar. The other fight sequence is pretty boring, with Alice and the Tyrant "shooting" their telekinesis at each other. Oh, did I mention Alice can use the Force now? Yeah. Anyway, the fight ends when the Tyrant seems to forget he's in the cutting-laser hallway that HE DESIGNED and gets all cut up just like the captain from the first movie.
At the end, Alice finds her remaining clones and threatens the other hidden members of the Umbrella Corporation that she and her "friends" are coming to get them. Dun Dun DUNNNN!!! Also, you never find out what happens with the survivor convoy once they get on a helicopter to go to Alaska. We only spent 2/3 of the movie dealing with them, who needs resolution? Wait, escaping on a helicopter to find an isolated area? That's also ripped off from Day of the Dead. You suck, Paul Anderson.
So what are we left with? A very lazy finish to a movie series that didn't need to be a series. One would have been fine. On my official scale from "epic fail" to "zOMG!", I give this movie a "I made out with it once at a party, and now I never answer the phone when it calls."
One other thing, they tried to introduce Albert Wesker from the game series in this movie. By tried to introduce, I mean they found some guy who could speak in a monotone, bleached his hair blond, and threw some sunglasses on him. He never even gets out of his chair. Not a worthy cameo for the guy who is arguably the ultimate villain of the games.

Going Retro: Phantasy Star IV - Stardate January 23.2

2008-01-23T22:40:00.000-07:00

For a game series that was ahead of its time in 1987, Phantasy Star IV feels surprisingly old-school, even for a game from 1994. You have to buy items from the store one at a time. If you happen to press the action button while facing an empty space (like every f$*%ing time the townspeople move one square away when you try to talk to them), you get a condescending remark from the characters for searching an empty space instead of nothing. At least you don't have to resurrect characters at a church before going to the inn to rest.
However, there are some things in the game that make it stand apart from the other RPGs of the time, especially Squaresoft's. One is the macro system you can program for battle. With the macros, you can set characters to perform certain actions instead of having to go through the menus every turn. I don't really remember any other RPG doing anything like this until just recently in Final Fantasy XII. Also, important story scenes are played out with big anime-style drawings, rather than trying to show emotion with 20-pixel tall sprites.
Anyway, completed the first big chunk of the game tonight. This involved rescuing the people who were turned to stone, investigating someone's basement in a town of bear/bird/something people to find the right vial that would turn the stone people back to people people, and infiltrating a high-tech laboratory left behind by an ancient civilization. A couple questions about the basement thing, though: first, who has a five-story basement, and second, how do you let your basement become infested with giant monsters? I mean, my apartment could stand to be cleaned more often, but I'm not letting any giant pus-spewing green monsters grow in my bathroom. All is well, though, for in the laboratory, I found the catgirl of the story. She has such a bright, cheery personality and is so naive about the outside world! Oh, if only I were a little more pathetic, I might write some fan fiction about meeting her and taking her out for dinner! But seriously, what's up with catgirls in anime?

Going Retro: Phantasy Star IV - First Impressions

2008-01-22T21:59:00.000-07:00

Started off with a technical snag. Apparently my PS3 didn't want to cooperate in this endeavor and decided to crap static all over the screen while I tried to run the game. That's ok, because I bought the PSP version to take on plane rides. So, anyway, PSIV. It definitely has an anime influence in the art style. Music is pretty good too. There was one really creepy effect in the first dungeon where it sounded like a monster hissing in the right channel. Spooky.
The funny thing about Phantasy Star is that it always has the damn weirdest names for items and spells. Would you guess on your first try that a Monomate was a healing potion? Yeah, me neither. As far as the story goes, I think it's a definite continuation of the previous games, so I'm kind of lost when it comes to the historical bits the townspeople are talking about. But for now my path is clear: big guy, dressed in black, spreading a cult, turning people into stone, and I need to go find him and kick his ass. Sounds like a plan. Too bad I have a meeting at 7 in the morning tomorrow. Stupid work. One other thing... I'm not going through all the games on the disc in one shot. No no no. I'm crazy, but not stupid. This is more like a year-long (maybe 6 month) goal.

Going Retro: Phantasy Star IV - Pregame

2008-01-22T20:40:00.000-07:00

OK, so the first game for the retro meltdown is Phantasy Star IV. Here's what I know about the game: It's the last "traditional" Phantasy Star game in a series that actually had somewhat of an over-arcing plot. I'm going to totally ruin the plots for the other games in the series by playing this one. Curse you, random selection, and your heartlessness! It's also supposed to be really good, at least by 16-bit RPG standards. I have played it a little bit before, but I don't remember much except it has a bit of an anime influence in the character designs and a battle system a little like Dragon Quest. That's about it, so I'll give it a whirl and be back with my first impressions.

Going Retro: A Preamble

2008-01-22T20:09:00.000-07:00

Video game publishers sure like to re-release old games these days. Maybe this is because they take a minimal amount of money and effort to produce (i.e. emulate) on new hardware, and thousands, or perhaps even millions, of people will buy them again (Lord only knows how many copies of The Legend of Zelda I have, and I don't even like the original Legend of Zelda). Or maybe it's because publishers actually care about our childhood memories and want us to relive them in a happy cloud of nostalgia. OK, it's definitely the first one.

Anyway, I propose an experiment in retro gaming and insanity. I have a copy of the Sega Genesis Collection. It contains 28 games released on the Sega Genesis (duh) that range from "epic fail" to "best game EVAR". I plan to play all of these games to completion. At least the ones you can complete. Can anyone really complete a fighting game or a puzzle game? I'll document my progress through the games, so you can all know my pain and laugh at me as I play utter tripe like "Alex Kidd in the Enchanted Castle" and "Altered Beast". Ugh. I'm already feeling demotivated, but I can't give up before I even start. Otherwise, writing this post would have been a waste to time. Now, to choose the first game! And the winner chosen by random selection (a really quick Perl script) is... Phantasy Star IV: The End of the Millenium! On the one hand, that's awesome, since it's supposed to be really good. On the other hand, that kinda sucks, because it's an RPG, and they take the longest to beat. Oh well. My Perl script has spoken!